There was a reason why the rain came today.
This is the third funeral I've been to in my life. My parents didn't go out of superstition because the death was untimely and too close to the Lunar New Year, but I felt I should pay my respects because these people have been friends with our family since before I was even born.
Death was always a very calculated and taboo subject in our family all because of my superstitious mother. Going to Aunt Maggie's funeral brought back feelings of how I was robbed of the opportunity to properly say goodbye to my Uncle Phil 13 years ago. My parents forced me to go to school that day, like it was business as usual. I rarely spoke about my feelings to my parents about Uncle Phil. My mother was horrified to learn that I went to the cemetery every day for many months to see Uncle Phil and talk to him in order to help me cope. While Aunt Maggie's children eulogized their mother, I thought back to how I was never able to say goodbye to my Uncle Phil. I never got to see him before the casket closed- I never got to comfort my aunt and cousin and be there for them that day. I had to develop my own method of closure over the span of 10 years. And that was the hardest way anyone needs to cope.
Going to Aunt Maggie's funeral helped me erase all the regret from the past. My sister and my cousin were there, and my cousin told me as a footnote that Aunt Maggie was actually in the same chapel that Uncle Phil had been 13 years ago. I sought comfort in that knowledge, that I properly said goodbye to Aunt Maggie and was able to say comforting words and hug Uncle Stephen, Etienne and Florence.
Nobody once asked me how I felt about my Uncle Phil's death. It was swept under the rug in our family. It wasn't until we were doing a school project about Dia de los Muertos a year later that I first publicly talked about my Uncle Phil. My classmates who never met him were more sympathetic than my own family was. And suddenly in that Spanish class in my junior year of high school, I burst into uncontrollable tears. One year after his passing I had finally acknowledged the pain and my bottled up feelings and was dealing with it- something I was totally unprepared for. From then on, it was a slow process of coming to terms with this huge void in my life. Uncle Phil was the most supportive person in my life, and whatever my parents denied me, he would dote on me and encourage every single passion I ever dreamed of undertaking. When I wanted to take up rollerblading, he went out and bought me a pair of skates. When I took up rock collecting, he presented me with a hardbound coffee table book about the most beautiful rocks in the world. As a child whose parents were always working and weren't emotionally around, his simple encouragement and actions spoke volumes. Losing this figure was a HUGE void, especially during my teen years when I needed him and his understanding most.
When Aunt Maggie's children eulogized their mother, they spoke about what an impact she had made on their lives, how she had made their well being and happiness her life's priority. With Aunt Maggie's passing, I resolved to start repairing my relationship with my mother. Despite our ups and downs, I think it's only fair that I should change my attitude towards her and help my mother understand that all the "love" she poured into me wasn't in vain. She may not be able to emotionally express how she feels towards me, but she tried in terms of taking care of my every need. I feel obligated to reach out on her level and show her with actions that I reciprocate that kind of love towards her.
I hope that learning this at 28 will give me enough time to hopefully form some kind of relationship with my mother. She has come a long way in terms of patience and I feel that if she can change, I can too.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Life
Life is short. Strangely enough it was this mantra led me to unlock the floodgates of pent up anxiety, sadness, depression, and frustration I've been holding onto since I learned I was going to get married at the end of this year. I always knew I had to tell my mother the news of our marriage, but I never quite figured out when or how. Until today.
All of this started at the news that our longtime family friend had just lost his wife after a long battle with cancer. I was really calling my mother to ask if she knew, but that bit of news was just a small piece of the 30 minute conversation. It turned out to be a really pleasant conversation and we just chatted about nonsense. I told her I had to go and we hung up.
For some reason my mother felt compelled to call me back about 10 minutes later to ask me a question. That led to more conversing. I was quite surprised at how well our phone call was going. She seemed relaxed and chattery. Never once did we raise our voices like we normally do. Part of the conversation was about which one of her friend's kids got married, who had a baby, etc. My mother brought up the silly notion that she wanted to help me buy a house. I politely told her that I was taking care of myself, trying to save money, and that I didn't want her to spend her money on me. She brushed me off and kept chatting away. Something inside me clicked and I felt compelled to tell her that I was VERY happy.
My mother's interest perked. She said, you're happy? With WHO?
I said, With George. She laughs hysterically.
After a short pause, I took a breath, and while fingering George's soft ears (he was sleeping on my lap this whole time), I said, "Mom I'm with someone and he makes me very happy."
..."who is he?"
..."It doesn't matter mom."
..."It's that BLACK GUY, isn't it?"
..."yes."
I never expected her to jump up for joy or let the subject go unaddressed. I let her process the information. I told her that we planned to be married and that WE would buy our own house together someday.
I went ahead and took another breath and said, "Well this is what's happening mom. You can go ahead and tell your friends that I'm dead and that I don't exist."
..."No matter what you're still my daughter."
...I guess I can't ask for more.
Who knew two random phone calls spanning one hour and thirty minutes would change my life so drastically.
All of this started at the news that our longtime family friend had just lost his wife after a long battle with cancer. I was really calling my mother to ask if she knew, but that bit of news was just a small piece of the 30 minute conversation. It turned out to be a really pleasant conversation and we just chatted about nonsense. I told her I had to go and we hung up.
For some reason my mother felt compelled to call me back about 10 minutes later to ask me a question. That led to more conversing. I was quite surprised at how well our phone call was going. She seemed relaxed and chattery. Never once did we raise our voices like we normally do. Part of the conversation was about which one of her friend's kids got married, who had a baby, etc. My mother brought up the silly notion that she wanted to help me buy a house. I politely told her that I was taking care of myself, trying to save money, and that I didn't want her to spend her money on me. She brushed me off and kept chatting away. Something inside me clicked and I felt compelled to tell her that I was VERY happy.
My mother's interest perked. She said, you're happy? With WHO?
I said, With George. She laughs hysterically.
After a short pause, I took a breath, and while fingering George's soft ears (he was sleeping on my lap this whole time), I said, "Mom I'm with someone and he makes me very happy."
..."who is he?"
..."It doesn't matter mom."
..."It's that BLACK GUY, isn't it?"
..."yes."
I never expected her to jump up for joy or let the subject go unaddressed. I let her process the information. I told her that we planned to be married and that WE would buy our own house together someday.
I went ahead and took another breath and said, "Well this is what's happening mom. You can go ahead and tell your friends that I'm dead and that I don't exist."
..."No matter what you're still my daughter."
...I guess I can't ask for more.
Who knew two random phone calls spanning one hour and thirty minutes would change my life so drastically.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Reflections.
I have so much running through my mind, I just don't know where to begin.
Sometimes in life, we learn lessons. In some cases, we learn them in time to go back to regular life and apply them to the next situation and are therefore prepared. In other cases, like mine, we just swallow the bitterness, and learn the lesson for some other time in life.
This is a continuation from the ordeal that happened on the last day of 2011. Unfortunately there are consequences for me, regardless of the facts. I can sit here and lament at how unfair life is, but I'm a strong believer in the fact that things happen for a reason. I will be leaving my post at Alta Bates on the weekends. Fortunately in my situation the story is not quite over. There are options available. For how long? Who knows.
I've come to realize that despite the hiccup, there are positives in everything. I am gonna be okay as long as I keep my head straight and focus on my goals and aspirations. Life is too short to dwell on things. However, I had to write down my feelings before I move on.
In any case, I still love photography. I'm slowly developing a small client base for Hamstar Photography and I'm pretty pleased with the results I get from these photo shoots. Nothing will ever deter me from this passion of mine.
For me personally, photography was never about making money. It was about capturing time, memories, and life for posterity. When we are gone someday, these photos are all that will be left. And yes, I understand photography can be expensive, but can you really put a price on a memory?
I was always interested in photography, but it became a serious passion after my dear uncle suddenly left us 13 years ago. There's not many photos left of him. The few that I have are scanned and safely tucked away in my computer, but they're salvaged photos from his childhood. The only real photo that remains is the one on his headstone. Sometimes things suddenly happen in life. People die, memories fade. Photos help us recapture or relive what we have forgotten or lost. That's how it became my mission to help people freeze the fine details that would've otherwise gone unnoticed for eternity.
I honestly don't know where I'm going with this post. I just know that life is short and I won't ever put my camera down.
Sometimes in life, we learn lessons. In some cases, we learn them in time to go back to regular life and apply them to the next situation and are therefore prepared. In other cases, like mine, we just swallow the bitterness, and learn the lesson for some other time in life.
This is a continuation from the ordeal that happened on the last day of 2011. Unfortunately there are consequences for me, regardless of the facts. I can sit here and lament at how unfair life is, but I'm a strong believer in the fact that things happen for a reason. I will be leaving my post at Alta Bates on the weekends. Fortunately in my situation the story is not quite over. There are options available. For how long? Who knows.
I've come to realize that despite the hiccup, there are positives in everything. I am gonna be okay as long as I keep my head straight and focus on my goals and aspirations. Life is too short to dwell on things. However, I had to write down my feelings before I move on.
In any case, I still love photography. I'm slowly developing a small client base for Hamstar Photography and I'm pretty pleased with the results I get from these photo shoots. Nothing will ever deter me from this passion of mine.
For me personally, photography was never about making money. It was about capturing time, memories, and life for posterity. When we are gone someday, these photos are all that will be left. And yes, I understand photography can be expensive, but can you really put a price on a memory?
I was always interested in photography, but it became a serious passion after my dear uncle suddenly left us 13 years ago. There's not many photos left of him. The few that I have are scanned and safely tucked away in my computer, but they're salvaged photos from his childhood. The only real photo that remains is the one on his headstone. Sometimes things suddenly happen in life. People die, memories fade. Photos help us recapture or relive what we have forgotten or lost. That's how it became my mission to help people freeze the fine details that would've otherwise gone unnoticed for eternity.
I honestly don't know where I'm going with this post. I just know that life is short and I won't ever put my camera down.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Anew.
Today is a new year. I went to work today, and in the aftermath of what happened yesterday I learned a lot important things from that experience. I'm pleased to recognize that in a state of panic, I have a fight attitude versus flight. However, it also means that my emotions go straight up to the roof. The concept of thinking for myself is still foreign. When I said, "I was trying to get the best of both worlds: protect myself and protect company property." The nurse scoffed at me and said, YOUR LIFE IS MOST IMPORTANT!!! I completely understand that now.
I still maintain an attitude where I give people the benefit of the doubt but not only that, I have to think smart AND think safe. This experience also taught me that we as humans have to educate ourselves and not judge people when we are put in a position where someone has wronged us for absolutely no reason.
The first day of this year has taught me to keep my mind open and sharp. Life has many more lessons to come!
I still maintain an attitude where I give people the benefit of the doubt but not only that, I have to think smart AND think safe. This experience also taught me that we as humans have to educate ourselves and not judge people when we are put in a position where someone has wronged us for absolutely no reason.
The first day of this year has taught me to keep my mind open and sharp. Life has many more lessons to come!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Vent
Okay, who am I kidding? I can't not post about what happened today. I normally don't talk about work much, but this time, I have to.
I was in a room with a family who was completely overjoyed with the birth of their child. He was an extremely beautiful baby. The parents were happy and I had a fun time taking their baby's pictures, which turned out fantastic. Everything seemed fine until we got to the point of ordering things. That's where the dad totally blew it out of proportion. Sometimes, some parents will complain to me that our company's things are expensive. I totally understand it with the way the economy is I am sympathetic to them and I don't push it. But when you completely blow it out of proportion and start attacking me personally for it, that's when you cross the line.
It got to the point where the dad demanded I delete the photos and used his height and size to threaten me. Unfortunately for me, not only am I shorter and smaller, but customer service is closed for the holidays. I wasn't intimidated by him at all, but I was extremely disturbed and offended by the fact that while he spoke to me in such a disrespectful way, the mommy completely zoned out and tried to disappear. She clutched the baby and looked away. I felt it was completely unfair for a perfectly kind stranger to be exposed to this kind of ugliness. I also felt it was absolutely intolerable that he treated me, a woman, with such utter disrespect.
I was smart enough to weasel my way out of their hospital room, although it took a lot of work. Dad followed me out in a threatening and intimidating manner and that's when I decided I didn't have to deal with this alone anymore. I was getting pissed to the point where I wanted to swing because I felt so trapped, but I had to think smart. I was extremely grateful for the kind nurses there who came to protect me. It got to the point where I was so upset tears started sprouting. I hate crying in public and I hate crying because it perpetuates softness when in fact, I'm pissed to all hell. Madea style pissed.
Things got sorted out eventually. My coworker and boss were there for me. But I still can't shake the shock over how I was treated. Never in my life have I ever been disrespected in such a manner. My father is a kindly gentleman who treats his two daughters like gold, and my fiancee is an even more kind, patient and loving man. It hurts me to know that other women are not as fortunate as I.
You'd think that because I've seen so much in life that I'd be immune to all this and shake it off. But I'm not. I'm human with an extreme soft spot for mothers and babies. And that's why I've had my weekend job for so long. As arduous as it is working six or seven days a week, I just can't stop. I have met mothers who had miracle babies, mothers who get to know me and give me sound advice, mothers who are heroes, and mothers who show me what unconditional love is. And of course there are the babies. The beautiful babies who give me priceless pictures that make their parents cry in joy or laugh until their bellies hurt- babies who smile in their sleep, babies who fart or spit up on me occasionally.
My prayers and wishes for these babies I meet are that they live a life of happiness, live a life of fortune, never know pain or sadness, and know that the sky is their limit. Most of all, I hope they show love and kindness to everyone- whether it be to families or strangers.
I was in a room with a family who was completely overjoyed with the birth of their child. He was an extremely beautiful baby. The parents were happy and I had a fun time taking their baby's pictures, which turned out fantastic. Everything seemed fine until we got to the point of ordering things. That's where the dad totally blew it out of proportion. Sometimes, some parents will complain to me that our company's things are expensive. I totally understand it with the way the economy is I am sympathetic to them and I don't push it. But when you completely blow it out of proportion and start attacking me personally for it, that's when you cross the line.
It got to the point where the dad demanded I delete the photos and used his height and size to threaten me. Unfortunately for me, not only am I shorter and smaller, but customer service is closed for the holidays. I wasn't intimidated by him at all, but I was extremely disturbed and offended by the fact that while he spoke to me in such a disrespectful way, the mommy completely zoned out and tried to disappear. She clutched the baby and looked away. I felt it was completely unfair for a perfectly kind stranger to be exposed to this kind of ugliness. I also felt it was absolutely intolerable that he treated me, a woman, with such utter disrespect.
I was smart enough to weasel my way out of their hospital room, although it took a lot of work. Dad followed me out in a threatening and intimidating manner and that's when I decided I didn't have to deal with this alone anymore. I was getting pissed to the point where I wanted to swing because I felt so trapped, but I had to think smart. I was extremely grateful for the kind nurses there who came to protect me. It got to the point where I was so upset tears started sprouting. I hate crying in public and I hate crying because it perpetuates softness when in fact, I'm pissed to all hell. Madea style pissed.
Things got sorted out eventually. My coworker and boss were there for me. But I still can't shake the shock over how I was treated. Never in my life have I ever been disrespected in such a manner. My father is a kindly gentleman who treats his two daughters like gold, and my fiancee is an even more kind, patient and loving man. It hurts me to know that other women are not as fortunate as I.
You'd think that because I've seen so much in life that I'd be immune to all this and shake it off. But I'm not. I'm human with an extreme soft spot for mothers and babies. And that's why I've had my weekend job for so long. As arduous as it is working six or seven days a week, I just can't stop. I have met mothers who had miracle babies, mothers who get to know me and give me sound advice, mothers who are heroes, and mothers who show me what unconditional love is. And of course there are the babies. The beautiful babies who give me priceless pictures that make their parents cry in joy or laugh until their bellies hurt- babies who smile in their sleep, babies who fart or spit up on me occasionally.
My prayers and wishes for these babies I meet are that they live a life of happiness, live a life of fortune, never know pain or sadness, and know that the sky is their limit. Most of all, I hope they show love and kindness to everyone- whether it be to families or strangers.
The Last Day of 2011
2011 is coming to a close. As traditionally done, people have resolutions for the new year. Mine?
1. To develop my career.
2. To get married.
3. To tell my mother I'm getting married, and all the complications that come along with it.
4. To go back to church.
5. To spend more time with friends
6. To develop my photography.
7. To live with a more open attitude and let things go easier.
8. To pay off my debts.
9. To save money for a house
10. To be a better person.
1. To develop my career.
2. To get married.
3. To tell my mother I'm getting married, and all the complications that come along with it.
4. To go back to church.
5. To spend more time with friends
6. To develop my photography.
7. To live with a more open attitude and let things go easier.
8. To pay off my debts.
9. To save money for a house
10. To be a better person.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
kiss-see-miss-see
That's how my grandma used to say Christmas. This year's Christmas turned out to be one of the greatest, oddly enough. It was totally not about the presents this year. I reconnected with family, laughed and celebrated with the dearest of my friends, and just overall had a wonderful time.
Davina and I got to spend Friday together and went to our 10th reunion together. Although time and distance keeps us apart more than we like, we're able to catch up and have a great time on the fly. We've been through so much over the last 14 years of our friendship, it's awesome that we're just as close if not closer than before.
This upcoming year, I'm hoping for Cecil to meet my aunt and uncle, and for us to perhaps go back to church. I stayed at my aunt and uncle's until nearly 1am spilling my guts, sharing my feelings, and just overall soaking in the wisdom they had to offer. It was enlightening, comforting, and hilarious all at once.
Yesterday's Christmas shindigs was a great gathering of young and old. We captured a few great group family photos and I look back and marvel at how lucky I am that even though my family is crazy and loud, they are awesome in their own way.
2nd cousins. Mini, Lulu and George
1st cousins. Oh Chris...
The entire family plus a few in-laws.
Davina and I got to spend Friday together and went to our 10th reunion together. Although time and distance keeps us apart more than we like, we're able to catch up and have a great time on the fly. We've been through so much over the last 14 years of our friendship, it's awesome that we're just as close if not closer than before.
This upcoming year, I'm hoping for Cecil to meet my aunt and uncle, and for us to perhaps go back to church. I stayed at my aunt and uncle's until nearly 1am spilling my guts, sharing my feelings, and just overall soaking in the wisdom they had to offer. It was enlightening, comforting, and hilarious all at once.
Yesterday's Christmas shindigs was a great gathering of young and old. We captured a few great group family photos and I look back and marvel at how lucky I am that even though my family is crazy and loud, they are awesome in their own way.
2nd cousins. Mini, Lulu and George
1st cousins. Oh Chris...
The entire family plus a few in-laws.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Seven
George will have been home for 7 months on Friday. He's continued to be a character and a joy in our lives- with his antics and idiosyncrasies. We've gone to class twice now, and he doesn't really understand the need for learning how to run a rally course. Still, he is very obedient and a very compliant dog. We have not had any food issues lately. Once in awhile he'll look at me crazy and not eat his food, but either with gentle coaxing or just a small break, he eats it eventually.
He gets to come to work with me next Wednesday for "Take your dog or kid to work day". I wish it were an everyday thing, he would make life a whole lot easier at work.
Here are some recent snapshots of him.
In his winter wear.
With his bro.
Cheese!
He gets to come to work with me next Wednesday for "Take your dog or kid to work day". I wish it were an everyday thing, he would make life a whole lot easier at work.
Here are some recent snapshots of him.
In his winter wear.
With his bro.
Cheese!
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