burbling brain juice

Cupid, rhymes with Stupid

2012-02-14T10:48:00.001-08:00

Valentines day. Back in my youth I used to get wrapped up like every other gal about the day. The excitement of getting flowers, little trinkets and being showered with attention was always appealing. But the older I've become, I realize that all these material things mean nothing. I've seen relationships fizzle and implode over Valentine's day. If a relationship is measured by the amount of love shown on ONE day, then something's wrong to begin with.
Don't get me wrong, Valentine's day IS nice. But, it definitely shouldn't be as big of a deal as the marketing department at Hallmark makes it out to be.
With that said, I'm very grateful as I'm saying this, I have someone by my side. Someone who has been there with me for the past 6 years. I actually get to marry this guy in slightly less than 10 months. For better or for worse, we've stuck by each other and I'm amazed at how when things are meant to be, they are simply meant to be. We never fought anything that we faced in the relationship- we simply let it flow the way it wanted to go.
We've fought adversity, disapproval, days when our wallets were near empty, but through it all we were always together.
Today I'm waiting on him hand and foot as he lays on the couch with a busted ankle. I even made an entire breakfast without blowing up the house or making food that sent us straight to the bathroom, fighting over the one toilet in the house. I do all this remembering the times he indulged my every whim when I was deathly sick with some evilly morphed form of a stomach virus or cold.
I'm very lucky. I really am. I'm surrounded by kind-hearted men in my life: My dad, Cecil and George. I can't ask for anything more.
Happy Valentine's Day, people.

Us, in the beginning. 2005.

2012. RIP Theo, but you're still part of our family. <3

Theodore Francis George Gordon

2012-02-10T09:05:00.001-08:00

Laid to rest on this crisp and beautiful Friday morning. I can call Theodore the best hamster in the world, but I said the same thing about the other hamsters that came before him. The 16 months I had Theodore were colored with such adventures no other hamster would dream of embarking upon.
I got Theodore almost immediately after Earl died, on October 13, 2010, because I just couldn't handle the void. Almost instantaneously, Theodore sought to grab life by its horns and was a faithful subject for my endless photo shoots. When I decided to start my photography studio, Theodore was my first choice for a logo. He sat patiently on my vintage cameras, amongst many props my outlandish mind thought of, and although he turned a deaf ear to my hollering and commands of "stop moving!" "damnit Theo!", he still gave me the photos I so desired.
No more than 7 months after he came home, our family expanded with George. I don't think I can ever describe the magical relationship those two had in the last 8 and a half months. Both Theo and George were indifferent towards each other, but George surprised me most of all by being patient and tolerant of Theo crawling all over him, sometimes leaving him a gift on top of his head...
The photos I have from the past 8 months are ones I can never replicate. I don't think I will ever be able to capture those kind of moments ever again.
I noticed in the last few weeks that the fur on his head was getting whiter. I knew that this was a sign that he was entering his twilight years. He got sick two days ago and while I thought he was going to recuperate since it wasn't wet tail, he decided for me that he was simply too old and tired for any more adventures...
It was interesting he chose my day off to go. Theodore was always a considerate little fellow. Whatever ideas came about my head for a photoshoot, he always sat patiently and posed for me. I hate that he's gone, but I'm glad I got the chance to send him off with a proper burial and spend some time with him, just the two of us.
It will be a long time, maybe never, until I have another hamster. There was something about Theodore that I can't explain. Although my normal way of coping would be to get a new hamster, I think he was just so legendary that he deserves his place in history as the best and most interesting hamster in the world.
Theodore Francis George Gordon rests at Caldecott Lane forever, near his older predecessor Earl.

The last photo of the Theo/Geo duo, taken three days ago...

Fleabag Fotos

2012-02-03T19:19:00.000-08:00

I just realized that a lot of my blog posts have been heavy in dialogue lately. To lighten it up here are some recent snapshots of 'ol George:

The TheoGeo duel.

Look at this face.

During a rare playful moment

My boys. <3

Eight is Great

2012-01-27T22:55:00.000-08:00

George has been around for 8 months this week. We completed our rally class, but not before he lost a tooth. I have no idea how, but there are many theories. He went about life without any interruptions and now there's a space where his little tooth used to be in the bottom front. Couple that with his snaggletooth, he now looks even goofier than usual.
It's astonishing to think that we've almost had George for a year and that he'll be turning two in June. I just hope he continues to gain weight so he fills out a little. Sometimes you can see his ribs, but he eats well/normally and is in great shape. Perhaps he's just one of those dogs that stay perpetually thin. If it were a human, we'd be jealous and hate those types. LOL.
George alternates between acting like a little puppy to being a grumpy little old man. I know adopted rescues tend to have incomplete or inaccurate life information, but sometimes his behaviors have me scratching my head. He sleeps ALL day long if you let him, and once in awhile he'll dream and bark soft little puppy barks in his sleep. Some days he suddenly becomes really playful and wants to bite you, chase something, or play with a toy. I have no idea what to expect from him from time to time.
He's such a great dog. I feel like more and more of his quirky personality is coming out as time goes by. He makes me laugh all the time. I would definitely never change a thing about this ol crazy dog.

Processing and Changing: How Death Impacts Life

2012-01-19T21:28:00.001-08:00

There was a reason why the rain came today.

This is the third funeral I've been to in my life. My parents didn't go out of superstition because the death was untimely and too close to the Lunar New Year, but I felt I should pay my respects because these people have been friends with our family since before I was even born.

Death was always a very calculated and taboo subject in our family all because of my superstitious mother. Going to Aunt Maggie's funeral brought back feelings of how I was robbed of the opportunity to properly say goodbye to my Uncle Phil 13 years ago. My parents forced me to go to school that day, like it was business as usual. I rarely spoke about my feelings to my parents about Uncle Phil. My mother was horrified to learn that I went to the cemetery every day for many months to see Uncle Phil and talk to him in order to help me cope. While Aunt Maggie's children eulogized their mother, I thought back to how I was never able to say goodbye to my Uncle Phil. I never got to see him before the casket closed- I never got to comfort my aunt and cousin and be there for them that day. I had to develop my own method of closure over the span of 10 years. And that was the hardest way anyone needs to cope.

Going to Aunt Maggie's funeral helped me erase all the regret from the past. My sister and my cousin were there, and my cousin told me as a footnote that Aunt Maggie was actually in the same chapel that Uncle Phil had been 13 years ago. I sought comfort in that knowledge, that I properly said goodbye to Aunt Maggie and was able to say comforting words and hug Uncle Stephen, Etienne and Florence.

Nobody once asked me how I felt about my Uncle Phil's death. It was swept under the rug in our family. It wasn't until we were doing a school project about Dia de los Muertos a year later that I first publicly talked about my Uncle Phil. My classmates who never met him were more sympathetic than my own family was. And suddenly in that Spanish class in my junior year of high school, I burst into uncontrollable tears. One year after his passing I had finally acknowledged the pain and my bottled up feelings and was dealing with it- something I was totally unprepared for. From then on, it was a slow process of coming to terms with this huge void in my life. Uncle Phil was the most supportive person in my life, and whatever my parents denied me, he would dote on me and encourage every single passion I ever dreamed of undertaking. When I wanted to take up rollerblading, he went out and bought me a pair of skates. When I took up rock collecting, he presented me with a hardbound coffee table book about the most beautiful rocks in the world. As a child whose parents were always working and weren't emotionally around, his simple encouragement and actions spoke volumes. Losing this figure was a HUGE void, especially during my teen years when I needed him and his understanding most.

When Aunt Maggie's children eulogized their mother, they spoke about what an impact she had made on their lives, how she had made their well being and happiness her life's priority. With Aunt Maggie's passing, I resolved to start repairing my relationship with my mother. Despite our ups and downs, I think it's only fair that I should change my attitude towards her and help my mother understand that all the "love" she poured into me wasn't in vain. She may not be able to emotionally express how she feels towards me, but she tried in terms of taking care of my every need. I feel obligated to reach out on her level and show her with actions that I reciprocate that kind of love towards her.

I hope that learning this at 28 will give me enough time to hopefully form some kind of relationship with my mother. She has come a long way in terms of patience and I feel that if she can change, I can too.

Life

2012-01-12T20:58:00.000-08:00

Life is short. Strangely enough it was this mantra led me to unlock the floodgates of pent up anxiety, sadness, depression, and frustration I've been holding onto since I learned I was going to get married at the end of this year. I always knew I had to tell my mother the news of our marriage, but I never quite figured out when or how. Until today.
All of this started at the news that our longtime family friend had just lost his wife after a long battle with cancer. I was really calling my mother to ask if she knew, but that bit of news was just a small piece of the 30 minute conversation. It turned out to be a really pleasant conversation and we just chatted about nonsense. I told her I had to go and we hung up.
For some reason my mother felt compelled to call me back about 10 minutes later to ask me a question. That led to more conversing. I was quite surprised at how well our phone call was going. She seemed relaxed and chattery. Never once did we raise our voices like we normally do. Part of the conversation was about which one of her friend's kids got married, who had a baby, etc. My mother brought up the silly notion that she wanted to help me buy a house. I politely told her that I was taking care of myself, trying to save money, and that I didn't want her to spend her money on me. She brushed me off and kept chatting away. Something inside me clicked and I felt compelled to tell her that I was VERY happy.
My mother's interest perked. She said, you're happy? With WHO?
I said, With George. She laughs hysterically.
After a short pause, I took a breath, and while fingering George's soft ears (he was sleeping on my lap this whole time), I said, "Mom I'm with someone and he makes me very happy."
..."who is he?"
..."It doesn't matter mom."
..."It's that BLACK GUY, isn't it?"
..."yes."
I never expected her to jump up for joy or let the subject go unaddressed. I let her process the information. I told her that we planned to be married and that WE would buy our own house together someday.
I went ahead and took another breath and said, "Well this is what's happening mom. You can go ahead and tell your friends that I'm dead and that I don't exist."
..."No matter what you're still my daughter."

...I guess I can't ask for more.
Who knew two random phone calls spanning one hour and thirty minutes would change my life so drastically.

Reflections.

2012-01-05T12:49:00.001-08:00

I have so much running through my mind, I just don't know where to begin.

Sometimes in life, we learn lessons. In some cases, we learn them in time to go back to regular life and apply them to the next situation and are therefore prepared. In other cases, like mine, we just swallow the bitterness, and learn the lesson for some other time in life.

This is a continuation from the ordeal that happened on the last day of 2011. Unfortunately there are consequences for me, regardless of the facts. I can sit here and lament at how unfair life is, but I'm a strong believer in the fact that things happen for a reason. I will be leaving my post at Alta Bates on the weekends. Fortunately in my situation the story is not quite over. There are options available. For how long? Who knows.

I've come to realize that despite the hiccup, there are positives in everything. I am gonna be okay as long as I keep my head straight and focus on my goals and aspirations. Life is too short to dwell on things. However, I had to write down my feelings before I move on.

In any case, I still love photography. I'm slowly developing a small client base for Hamstar Photography and I'm pretty pleased with the results I get from these photo shoots. Nothing will ever deter me from this passion of mine.

For me personally, photography was never about making money. It was about capturing time, memories, and life for posterity. When we are gone someday, these photos are all that will be left. And yes, I understand photography can be expensive, but can you really put a price on a memory?

I was always interested in photography, but it became a serious passion after my dear uncle suddenly left us 13 years ago. There's not many photos left of him. The few that I have are scanned and safely tucked away in my computer, but they're salvaged photos from his childhood. The only real photo that remains is the one on his headstone. Sometimes things suddenly happen in life. People die, memories fade. Photos help us recapture or relive what we have forgotten or lost. That's how it became my mission to help people freeze the fine details that would've otherwise gone unnoticed for eternity.

I honestly don't know where I'm going with this post. I just know that life is short and I won't ever put my camera down.

Anew.

2012-01-01T16:50:00.000-08:00

Today is a new year. I went to work today, and in the aftermath of what happened yesterday I learned a lot important things from that experience. I'm pleased to recognize that in a state of panic, I have a fight attitude versus flight. However, it also means that my emotions go straight up to the roof. The concept of thinking for myself is still foreign. When I said, "I was trying to get the best of both worlds: protect myself and protect company property." The nurse scoffed at me and said, YOUR LIFE IS MOST IMPORTANT!!! I completely understand that now.
I still maintain an attitude where I give people the benefit of the doubt but not only that, I have to think smart AND think safe. This experience also taught me that we as humans have to educate ourselves and not judge people when we are put in a position where someone has wronged us for absolutely no reason.
The first day of this year has taught me to keep my mind open and sharp. Life has many more lessons to come!

Vent

2011-12-31T20:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, who am I kidding? I can't not post about what happened today. I normally don't talk about work much, but this time, I have to.
I was in a room with a family who was completely overjoyed with the birth of their child. He was an extremely beautiful baby. The parents were happy and I had a fun time taking their baby's pictures, which turned out fantastic. Everything seemed fine until we got to the point of ordering things. That's where the dad totally blew it out of proportion. Sometimes, some parents will complain to me that our company's things are expensive. I totally understand it with the way the economy is I am sympathetic to them and I don't push it. But when you completely blow it out of proportion and start attacking me personally for it, that's when you cross the line.
It got to the point where the dad demanded I delete the photos and used his height and size to threaten me. Unfortunately for me, not only am I shorter and smaller, but customer service is closed for the holidays. I wasn't intimidated by him at all, but I was extremely disturbed and offended by the fact that while he spoke to me in such a disrespectful way, the mommy completely zoned out and tried to disappear. She clutched the baby and looked away. I felt it was completely unfair for a perfectly kind stranger to be exposed to this kind of ugliness. I also felt it was absolutely intolerable that he treated me, a woman, with such utter disrespect.
I was smart enough to weasel my way out of their hospital room, although it took a lot of work. Dad followed me out in a threatening and intimidating manner and that's when I decided I didn't have to deal with this alone anymore. I was getting pissed to the point where I wanted to swing because I felt so trapped, but I had to think smart. I was extremely grateful for the kind nurses there who came to protect me. It got to the point where I was so upset tears started sprouting. I hate crying in public and I hate crying because it perpetuates softness when in fact, I'm pissed to all hell. Madea style pissed.
Things got sorted out eventually. My coworker and boss were there for me. But I still can't shake the shock over how I was treated. Never in my life have I ever been disrespected in such a manner. My father is a kindly gentleman who treats his two daughters like gold, and my fiancee is an even more kind, patient and loving man. It hurts me to know that other women are not as fortunate as I.
You'd think that because I've seen so much in life that I'd be immune to all this and shake it off. But I'm not. I'm human with an extreme soft spot for mothers and babies. And that's why I've had my weekend job for so long. As arduous as it is working six or seven days a week, I just can't stop. I have met mothers who had miracle babies, mothers who get to know me and give me sound advice, mothers who are heroes, and mothers who show me what unconditional love is. And of course there are the babies. The beautiful babies who give me priceless pictures that make their parents cry in joy or laugh until their bellies hurt- babies who smile in their sleep, babies who fart or spit up on me occasionally.
My prayers and wishes for these babies I meet are that they live a life of happiness, live a life of fortune, never know pain or sadness, and know that the sky is their limit. Most of all, I hope they show love and kindness to everyone- whether it be to families or strangers.

The Last Day of 2011

2011-12-31T18:26:00.001-08:00

2011 is coming to a close. As traditionally done, people have resolutions for the new year. Mine?

1. To develop my career.
2. To get married.
3. To tell my mother I'm getting married, and all the complications that come along with it.
4. To go back to church.
5. To spend more time with friends
6. To develop my photography.
7. To live with a more open attitude and let things go easier.
8. To pay off my debts.
9. To save money for a house
10. To be a better person.

kiss-see-miss-see

2011-12-25T18:00:00.000-08:00

That's how my grandma used to say Christmas. This year's Christmas turned out to be one of the greatest, oddly enough. It was totally not about the presents this year. I reconnected with family, laughed and celebrated with the dearest of my friends, and just overall had a wonderful time.
Davina and I got to spend Friday together and went to our 10th reunion together. Although time and distance keeps us apart more than we like, we're able to catch up and have a great time on the fly. We've been through so much over the last 14 years of our friendship, it's awesome that we're just as close if not closer than before.
This upcoming year, I'm hoping for Cecil to meet my aunt and uncle, and for us to perhaps go back to church. I stayed at my aunt and uncle's until nearly 1am spilling my guts, sharing my feelings, and just overall soaking in the wisdom they had to offer. It was enlightening, comforting, and hilarious all at once.
Yesterday's Christmas shindigs was a great gathering of young and old. We captured a few great group family photos and I look back and marvel at how lucky I am that even though my family is crazy and loud, they are awesome in their own way.
2nd cousins. Mini, Lulu and George

1st cousins. Oh Chris...

The entire family plus a few in-laws.

Seven

2011-12-18T20:58:00.000-08:00

George will have been home for 7 months on Friday. He's continued to be a character and a joy in our lives- with his antics and idiosyncrasies. We've gone to class twice now, and he doesn't really understand the need for learning how to run a rally course. Still, he is very obedient and a very compliant dog. We have not had any food issues lately. Once in awhile he'll look at me crazy and not eat his food, but either with gentle coaxing or just a small break, he eats it eventually.
He gets to come to work with me next Wednesday for "Take your dog or kid to work day". I wish it were an everyday thing, he would make life a whole lot easier at work.
Here are some recent snapshots of him.
In his winter wear.

With his bro.

Cheese!

Heels on Eggs

2011-12-13T21:09:00.000-08:00

I felt like everything else in my life was going great as of late. Lots of planning going on, but today showed me that I'm totally useless in one aspect. Throughout my life I was always very sure of myself when I made a decision. Lately, in one aspect of my life I feel very uneasy, unsteady, and unsure of it all. After I graduated from SF State, I always thought that my plans would go as planned simply because my iron will and drive would carry me through. Unfortunately, the economy didn't think so and my plans were completely derailed. I had to completely restructure my life and I had to learn a lot of things the hard way- in fact, I still am.
I like to exude confidence wherever I go, but I'm human, so I'm going to be straight forward and admit that I have no idea where my career is going. I know I have many skills and an abundance of creativity, but I need to hone it down to something where I can make a lucrative career out of it. I'm trying to get married, buy a house, and start a family. This is NOT a good time to be unsteady and be unsure with my source of income.
I have to also admit, that I'm scared. I've seen so many friends go through sudden life changes simply because their jobs bottomed out. I can't afford to take any chances and gamble with the choices my heart wants me to make. I have to think objectively and realistically- and it's hard. It's hard when you know what you want to do in life but there are no jobs available in that sector. It's hard when you try your best at your current situation yet it always feels like you're not doing good enough. I always said that in any situation in life, you have to make the best of it. I can always say I will try harder, but how much more?
So much is happening so fast in my life at once. I need to stay firm on my feet, not let anything knock me down, and just keep on moving. Keep calm and carry on.

House Fever

2011-12-12T09:05:00.000-08:00

I LOVE watching HGTV. Last night Cecil and I started talking about houses, and we started looking. I think that got us both very excited, so we've decided to take this upcoming year to pay down our debts, save up money, and start looking for a home of our own. I'm not naive- I remember how hard it was to adopt a dog, so I'm willing to be patient, especially since this is a house that we plan on staying in forever.
So, I've mustered up a few goals for this house hunt.

1. Pay down both credit cards
2. Save up a set amount each month
3. Start talking to a realtor about the process.
4. Look for homes in the El Cerrito or Pinole area. Apparently according to the husband to be, Oakland is out of the question. ::pout::

I've also started thinking about what kind of house we want. Here are some needs.
1. 3 or 4 bedrooms
2. Fireplace
3. Yard with grass for George
4. A garage
5. Laundry room

They're pretty basic in terms of necessities in the house. I think as we start to actually LOOK at the houses, we'll have a better sense of what we need and don't need. I must say though, living in this condo has us spoiled- as small as it is, we have everything we need here. Some of the houses we looked at had pools. Although the fish in me loves it, I think about toddlers running in and out of the yard, maintenance, and other things that scream dollar signs. So that item is DEFINITELY an option.

Stay tuned for our adventures. I'm sure I'll have plenty of stories to tell once we actually start house hunting!

Life as it is...

2011-12-08T12:46:00.000-08:00

...is going great. I have everything I could ask for: a loving partner, an obedient dog, and a jolly hamster. It amazes me how time flies, and how fast a year goes by. Friends that used to have babies now have toddlers and preschoolers. My own niece is in the 2nd grade now. As I age gracefully I feel like it's time to move onto the next chapter of my life.

As our wedding year approaches, I've noticed a slight shift in expectations and goals. Don't get me wrong, I love our little condo, but my biggest goal and wish is to own a home of my own. Yes, there's a mortgage and above all, a down payment to be saved up for, but I believe it's time to kick it into high gear. Cecil and I have been talking about saving up for years- now is the time. Two years ago we talked about moving in together, and we made it happen. I believe we can make the same arrangements through motivation.

I'm also starting to think more about children lately. I LOVE them, but I'm not entirely sure I want them right now. Every time I log onto Facebook, someone is pregnant again. I've been around babies my whole life, and I know what it takes to raise them right. That little voice in head reminds me of many things: biological clock, money, time, sleep deprivation, the beautiful newborn photos... I used to be the type of person who was dead sure I'd have kids by 25, but with each passing year, I find myself more and more content with just the critters. We'll see. Maybe after we get married things might change.

I don't have very many expectations for 2012 aside from the usual: the hopes of getting a better job, being happy, and saving money. The year is going to be an added bonus because we're going to tie the knot. Let the fun begin!

6 months

2011-11-24T22:03:00.001-08:00

George has been home with us for half a year. And he has become spoiled.
He's doing great all around. Next month we are enrolling in an obedience course to brush up on the basics and learn some new things. His best friend Brady from downstairs will be joining him.
He's gotten too used to sleeping in our bed, so we've put him back in his crate. Since then, Cecil and I have slept like babies since there's not this little midget poking, pushing and waking us up in the middle of the night.
We've also had to cut back on his treats intake. His eating habits haven't been as good as they were, so we are working on getting him more exercise and less treats. He had a play date with Brady and Oliver today and as soon as we got home he wolfed down his full bowl of food even though it was only 4 o' clock. We're working on keeping his feeding schedule consistent, between 7-8 in the mornings and 5-6 in the evenings.

Here are some fun photos of George. He really knows how to live the good life.
Going shopping.

Hugs!

Snuggle time!

Ahh the good life. Enjoying Dad's side of the bed while he's at work.

Thanks

2011-11-23T14:22:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and while we all have our gripes and groans, I have much to be thankful for. Let me count the ways.

1) I'm thankful for my home. Two years ago when I was struggling through life in major turmoil, I am so thankful that this home was available for us to live in.
2) I am so thankful for Cecil. Six years and many adventures have gone by, yet we are together and approaching life as a married couple.
3) I am thankful for all my pets, especially George. When I wanted to get a dog, I knew it would be hard work. But I was blessed with an obedient, eager to please, calm, quiet and loving dog. As crazy as he drives me, he is more of a blessing and a barrel of laughs.
4) I am thankful for my jobs. I could bitch about how working 6/7 days a week is hard, but I have paychecks every 10th and 25th, and I have a reason to get up every day.
5) I am thankful for my health. Life is too short and we often take our health for granted. I am happy and thankful I am standing, breathing, and living each day.
6) I am thankful for some family members. Some of them are understanding, some of them are supportive, and some of them are a blessing.
7) I am thankful for my friends. The ones who have always been there, who have listened to me babble, cry, rant, rave and laugh.
8) I am thankful to God who sees me through my hard times and good times, and always gives me what I can handle.

After 11/11/11 comes...

2011-11-14T16:41:00.000-08:00

12/12/12. And on that day, Cecil and I will be getting married.

Everyone that knows so far has been giddy, overjoyed, or has said, "ABOUT TIME!"
I for one, think it'll be just like any ordinary day.

Why?

Since I'm the "bride", I will be tasked with telling my parents that not only have I been dating a black man, but we've been together for the last six years, lived together for two, and now we're getting married. And then the half-black children will follow. Most families would be overjoyed to learn their daughter is happy, engaged, and set to be married to the love of her life. But most families do not have a mother like mine.

My mother. Where do I begin with her? I don't even know. But I do know that slamming down that many bombshells onto her will only result in a spew of venom, insults and most likely- me being disowned.

Well, I haven't hidden anything from her at all. I've tried over the years to share bits and pieces of my life with her, only to be met with harsh judgment, criticism and the ultimate message that I am a failure- useless and always at fault. So? Over the years the clam shell enveloping our mother-daughter relationship permanently cemented itself shut, and whatever chance we had at a mother-daughter relationship or friendship totally sank to the bottom of the ocean like the Titanic. She calls me occasionally, and our conversations are strictly about whether or not I'm going to go to my sister's house to get soup and fruit that week.

On the other hand, my Dad is great. I've come to realize all the male-bashing my mother did in my childhood was all wrong. My dad has endured a lot in the last 40 years being married to that woman, but he has taken everything with a grain of salt and has focused his happiness on three things: exercise, tea, and the newspaper. One would think that my dad could be my ally, but my dad isn't the kind of father who has a say in these matters. Dad just cares that his girls are happy, and that's that. He doesn't care to engage in mortal kombat with my mother at this point. After all, the guy is 70.

In my corner I have a slew of supportive family members, friends, and comrades. I'm very grateful for all of them, but they're not the ones that went to Kaiser one fine summer day in 1983 and brought home the screaming bundle of joy that was supposed to be a boy. The only respectful thing to do would be to tell my parents, but honestly, I just don't know how. The period between the ages of 18-28 has been blank when I think of what kind of relationship I've had with these people. As I began to live my life, I started to pull away from the smothering, controlling, and the mental abuse my mother heaped on me like mashed potatoes on my dinner plate. That's exactly why on one fine day in December of 2009, I packed as much as I could in into my little Honda Civic and drove away, never to look back.
Of course, they don't understand any of it. They only see what an ungrateful brat I am. I was supposed to be the child to stay with them and take care of them until one of us withered away- preferably them first. But, they picked the wrong child to deign that responsibility to. They picked the horribly independent and free-spirited rebel.

I could go on and on about our tumultuous relationship, but the point is, they have to know at some point what's going on. The question is, when? and how?

Any comments or suggestions are highly welcome.

Seasons

2011-11-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

Ahh, winter is upon us. The weather has suddenly dropped like a sack of stones and the pets have become lazier. George has learned to strategize in the mornings, peeing and pooping in one fell swoop so he's less exposed to the cold. Theodore spends most of his time burrowed in his little cubby.
With the coming of November, the holidays are upon us. I just got done addressing and stuffing our holiday cards. Now, the dilemma begins as to how to buy gifts for people when Christmas comes. Seems like the budget grows bigger but the wallet does not change. We will just have to see.

Here's some recent snapshots of George. One of these days I will have him bundled up in the snow and see how he does...

Care for some gumbo?

Winter is here. Doing what I do best.

For Wesley

2011-11-04T22:14:00.000-07:00

Today's post has few words. This is Wesley Kurey, one of George's friends. He passed away suddenly this morning at the age of two. His passing brought back many waves of sadness and memories of Buddy.

I was reading an article one day and came across a poem. Every time I read it tears well up in my eyes. I only wish Wesley's parents will be able to cope and heal.

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying, you found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to ...you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea
You were thinking of the many times your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said, "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be so near you every day
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled; I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
And say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out... then come home to be with me.
~Author Unknown~

The original SF Gate story that had the poem:
Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/06/14/DDSH1JQSM4.DTL#ixzz1cnznudAW

Confessions of a Hospital Baby Photographer

2011-11-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

I've done the Confessions of an Admin series before, but these last couple of weeks at my weekend job have really inspired me to do this next series. I've been working at the hospital for two and a half years now, and trust me, it's time to gripe:

1. If you don't have any intentions of buying anything at all, don't ask me to do the photos. You're just wasting my time.

2. Don't ever expect anything free from me either. ESPECIALLY if you don't buy a damn thing.

3. If you can't spell or pronounce your own child's name, chances are they can't either. Please think carefully before you call the birth certificate office because it'll be a costly change later.

4. Apostrophes have no place in a name period unless you bear an Irish LAST name.

5. I don't have a problem with parents asking me if I have any children. HOWEVER, it is not your place to question why I don't have any kids, or that I don't know anything about babies. 99 percent of the time I know what's wrong and get the babies to stop crying before the parents ever do.

6. Common sense: PLEASE burp your damn child after you feed them. There's no excuse for you to get mad when the baby ruins its outfit during the photo shoot otherwise.

7. When I'm coming in to do the photos, please don't choose that moment to breastfeed. A baby screaming its head off is NOT going to settle for a 2 minute breastfeeding session and be happy and chipper for the photos.

8. You may want your baby's eyes open for the photos, but PLEASE don't SHAKE them awake or use your fingers to peel their eyes open.

9. When I'm taking photos or showing you the photos, PLEASE do not bust out your own camera or cell phone and take pictures behind me. It is absolutely rude and a copyright infringement.

10. Some of these nurses and doctors are totally in the wrong field and could use an attitude adjustment. Some days I just want to punt them to the moon.

Cinco

2011-10-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

Today George has been home with us for FIVE months now. It feels like an eternity, so sometimes when I see him misbehave, I have to think back and say, wow, he's only been with us for five months, not five years.

George's food issues are becoming a thing of the past. Since I've switched to Orijen, he's been eating willingly, unless he's REALLY not hungry. I know that because I'll try feeding him at 5pm, knowing that's TOO early. He sniffs at it like he wants to eat, but he doesn't. An hour later, he has wolfed the food down and is happily napping again. He's steadily gaining weight and is looking proportioned. I'm thinking that him squeezing through the gate is a thing of the past.

George is popular at Parkwoods. He has many dog friends, and because of those dog friends, I have neighbor friends after two years of living here. He has play dates and loves seeing other dogs. Sometimes I think George would be happy with another dog around, but since we live in such a small place, that will have to wait.

He now knows how to sit, stay, come, wait, lay down, up, and shake. He'll do anything for peanut butter and is a sucker for treats. He finally learned how to get all the peanut butter out of his little kong, frozen or not. He's always listened well and learns quick. He gets into mischief once in awhile, usually involving eating something strange, but after he barfs and I tell everyone, he generally learns his lesson for a short while.

We're very grateful for the little guy. He's super well behaved with a great personality, everyone loves him. I never imagined that our dog journey would be so hard yet so easy. Nevertheless we savor the end results.

George also decided he wanted to take up golfing with us.

George gearing up for winter. Even though it's nearly 80 degrees right now.

Do I have something stuck in my teeth?

Eeeeearthquaaaake! And other wild adventures.

2011-10-21T09:28:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was just a crazy day. Maybe my Uncle Phil was objecting to turning 58 so he decided to send us some signs of displeasure?

I stayed home from work sick after waking up all stuffed up and migrainy. We three spent most of the day in bed. At about 2:30 I heard the doorbell ring. In my sleepy stupor I asked Cecil, "Was that the doorbell?" He mumbled something unintelligible. I ignored it and drifted back off to sleep with the dog in between us when suddenly I felt this sharp jolt shaking us to the left. I hear loud crashes and sense things are falling. Cecil turns over and starts HOLLERING, flailing his arms and legs wildly. Meanwhile the dog goes from snuggling in between us to standing on top of me, digging his claws into my chest. As the house shook Cecil and I stayed frozen in the bed while I held onto the dog. After the shaking stopped, I went into the living room and surveyed the damage. Boss Robot was the only casualty in the living room, lying flat on his face by the patio door. It wasn't until later on that we discovered all our shampoos and body washes had fallen off the nook in the shower. Some of the lids had exploded into pieces and shampoo was spilling in the tub.

Our nerves are shot the rest of the day, especially George's. We spend the afternoon watching the news, shaken over the events.

8pm rolls around. I'm sitting on the couch watching TV with George's head in my lap. As we're getting dinner ready, another quake hits. This time, George bolts from my lap and runs straight for the door. Cecil and I are frozen, he braces himself on the kitchen counter while I stay fixated on the couch. Boss Robot falls yet again, but nothing else in the house. Dinner was an extremely tense affair with George standing by our legs under the kitchen table shaking like a leaf.

I texted our neighbor to see if she was okay downstairs. She luckily was at yoga and missed out on it. We had planned to let the dogs play together after we came back from the store (Cecil wanted to go out and get rations and supplies) but she called me on the phone while were texting. I figured she was calling because she wanted us to pick up some stuff for her but no- she called because her dog had an encounter with a skunk! The skunk lost the battle, but poor Brady had one stinky victory. I offered to help bathe the big guy, but as I went downstairs I could tell exactly which house was hers based on smell. It was quite a production, and after his bath, my neighbor contemplated going back up the hill to get the leash. I offered to go with her so after picking up gloves, a lantern, and a garbage bag at my house, we set off in search of the victim. Half way up the fire trail we saw a big mass on the side of the road. My neighbor told me the poor skunk must've crawled away because that's not where he was when they left. I knelt down and prodded the guy, and he was somewhat still. I was able to untangle the leash and was preparing to bag the skunk up when he started moving. Freaked out, we decided to just take the leash and leave the skunk. We had hopes of saving the leash, but it smelled SO bad we decided to ditch it in the trash. After a long shower and double washing of all my clothes, I was pretty much skunk free except for a small spot on my right hand, which still smells of skunk at this moment! That moment with the skunk tested my desires to pursue a career in animal control. I still would do it- hopefully they'd provide me with more supplies than just thin rubber gloves and a garbage bag!

While I was home in the shower, an ambulance, fire truck, and police car pulled up to our complex. I went outside our balcony to investigate and could hear a woman crying and hollering while she was being taken away. I guess earthquakes bring out the worst in people, but I'm glad that through walking George, I have a network of dog-friendly neighbors around!

58.

2011-10-20T08:40:00.001-07:00

Today is Uncle Phil's 58th birthday. Time froze when he was 45, but he never faded away. I take pleasure in spending most weekends with my cousin, his kid. We talk about him often and bounce thoughts off each other. We have dinner and hang out near his final resting place and I find comfort in the fact that I live so close to the cemetery. I don't have to go see him every day like I used to- I feel his presence and have him on my mind every time I drive home.
13 years have passed since he left us. I finally decided today was a good day to scanned the rest of the treasured photos I have of him.

Another school photo.

With 3 of his 4 siblings in their Sunday finest.

The popular high schooler with his letterman sweater.

Graduation day.

He loved adventure and roller coasters.

Party like a Rockstar

2011-10-16T17:39:00.000-07:00

Since hamsters have a relatively short lifespan, turning 1 seems like turning 75 to us humans. Therefore, Theodore enjoyed his festivities, but he spends most of his days doing what he does best. Snoozing.
This time I was able to get a super adorable photo. I love this fuzzy little guy.

365 Days

2011-10-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

Today is a very bittersweet but important day.
One year ago, I buried Earl in the front courtyard of our complex.
One year ago, I drove all over town and ultimately wound up in Richmond at about 8pm and found a small gray hamster.
365 days later, this small gray hamster has helped be the face of my photography studio, has a little brother whose 20 times his size, and has revolutionized the way people think about "rodents".
I know hamsters don't really live long, but this whole year has been quite an adventure with Theodore. I cherish every day I get to spend with and take photos of him.
Amazingly he doesn't mind the dog, and the dog doesn't seem to understand Theo is edible. Together they've given me so much material through my lens, being patient with me while I bark out orders to "sit!" and "stay!" and "STOP MOVING, DAMNIT!"
Tonight I'm going to thoroughly clean out Theo's cage, get it sparkling clean. I'm gonna let him roam around, give him a few treats, and probably try and get another photo of the brothers to commemorate his birthday.
Theodore Francis George Gordon, you're the best little hamster ever. I don't think anyone else in the world has this much fun and joy with their pocket pet as you have given me. I'm grateful for you every day!

Kisses for little brother.

Happy birthday Theo!

fUd

2011-10-08T22:43:00.000-07:00

Ahh, George.
The latest development involves his food. He's eating fine, except lately I've noticed with his cold-formed vitamins, he'll curl his tongue and spit them out back into his bowl. Cecil reasoned, there's no point in him eating that food if he doesn't eat all of it, and I agreed. I asked my cousin the dog expert on what brand of food was good and he recommended Orijen. Of course, it's not available at Petco or Petsmart. Luckily the pet store down the street from George's vet had it, and their prices were awesome. When we got home, I eagerly tore open the bag and threw a kibble on the floor. George gobbled it up like I had thrown him a treat.
When I put a little in his regular food, he gobbled everything up. This morning, he got picky and ate ONLY the new food and ignored most of his old food, which resulted in a slight upset stomach.
So far this new development is good. Hopefully after the 10 day adjustment period he'll keep eating the new food with gusto. Since it is JUST as expensive, I'll probably have to sell some hair or blood for awhile.
I'm O positive by the way!!!

Events, Events, Events!

2011-10-02T09:11:00.000-07:00

The beginning of October is always packed. October 1st starts out being JD's birthday. He's been three for so long, him turning four is a foreign but welcome concept. We went out to Red Lobster the night before since the next day (his real birthday) was packed with events.

After work on Saturday, I jetted over to the Snow Building to photograph the fundraiser my weekday job held. This was the first year I went and was recognized as a paid professional photographer. I did not disappoint, and I was pretty pleased with all of my photos. I'm hoping that soon I will be able to work only one job and focus on my photography more.
Sunday after work, was Dear Ames' birthday party. Her partner Julia orchestrated a fantastic event with 10 of Amy's closest friends. George went along too. We also had a step and repeat photo booth I dickered on photoshop with and it turned out beautifully.
The Cousinbrothers, George n' Ike.

Step n' Repeat!

This weekend was crazy, bouncing from job to gig to job to gig, but it was rewarding. I hope to be able to perfect my craft in photography and continue to deliver crisp, sharp, and timeless photos.

Since I had Theo and Georges' book done, I was approached with the idea of turning it into a children's book. Stay tuned, folks. I may have a chance at becoming a children's author thanks to Theo and Geo.
Some recent snapshots of my knuckleheads.

Here's George's final costume for Halloween. Hope it doesn't rain!

Fore! FOUR!

2011-09-23T18:25:00.002-07:00

Today marks FOUR months George has been living with us. He was doing well with food for awhile, but lately he's back to that whole picky battle again. I think my problem is I have to let go of him not wanting to eat. It's hard for me to get over the fact that his food is so expensive and by him not eating it, it's wasting all my hard-earned money. But, just like I wouldn't be able to force feed my human child, I can't do the same for George. He'll just have to learn the hard way and starve and dry-heave until he realizes he should eat. I'll just have to learn to deal with a non-empty food bowl. I've just never encountered a dog that doesn't like to eat and it baffles me to no end.

George is 15.5 pounds now. All those days I was laid up in bed sick, he was the best comfort and roommate ever. As a result, he sort of got a bit chunky. He didn't really exercise much while I was sick since I could hardly walk myself, so he did a lot of laying in bed with me. After I got better, I was off work for three days as a mini-vacation so he did some more laying on the couch.

He's a great dog still. He's a lot more outgoing and social. He's taken to sleeping with us most nights and doesn't make much of a peep. I still don't think he's ready to be out of his crate while we're not home, but in time I think he'll be fine.

I am in a quandry as to how to deal with this non-eating issue. I was pretty upset with him and sent him to his crate, but I realize it's probably not going to change. It's me with the problem, not him. So? As a result, I've snapped open the crate, and he's laying in my lap with his head on my left arm as a type. Of course he just let out a big sigh.

Can't really be mad at this guy for anything. He's a good, quiet and obedient dog who doesn't really require much training or needs. I just have to let him be, skip a few meals, and just start the next day over.

I know I said I don't really believe in dressing a dog in clothes, but I saw this shirt at Petsmart and I had to have it. How cool is a Transformers shirt??

And while we're on the subject of dressing up, here's a sneak peak of his Halloween costume. Had to sew the straps a bit short so it would fit him nicely, but it works great.

Woman down, Woman down!

2011-09-17T09:02:00.000-07:00

Oh man. Even as I write this I am wizened, weak, and all my muscles have been reduced to pretzels and jelly.

It all started Wednesday evening. Cecil and I usually go out to Point Emery and walk the dog along the water. Wednesday seemed unusually chilly to me and I opted not to go. I felt unusually tired and wanted to just lay on the couch all night. I knew a trip to the hot tub out back would not be a good idea either so I went to bed early that night.

Thursday rolls around and in the middle of the night my bones are aching and I alternate from burning hot to freezing cold, all the while sweating like a banshee. I spent the whole day in bed, absolutely miserable and aching. Thank God Cecil was home to take care of me and walk the dog, I had no strength to get up for ANYTHING. I don't think I ate anything either. I barely got out of bed for an hour or two and most of the time I was lying on the couch.

Friday morning comes around and I'm still going hot and cold. I figure it's probably better I stay home and once again I spend the day in bed. At this point my whole body has turned into mush and I have no strength left to do a single thing. Somehow I manage to get up and shower and do the basics, but other than that, I'm completely useless. I'm able to call Kaiser and get a note, and my doctor is aware of my condition in case things get worse. I don't remember taking off this many days of work in awhile, but I know it would've been absolutely useless had I showed up.

Still cold sweated in the middle of the night but I feel much better today. I was able to take George out for a walk and increase my food intake. My entire body hurts, my neck muscles are completely seized, my abs are chewed up, and everything feels useless. I'm just gonna take it easy today and hope that I can show up to work tomorrow and function. Thank God I have the next three days off, I can completely recuperate and hope I never go through this again!!!

Special nod to Cecil and George for being such great caretakers!

Silence. We remember...

2011-09-11T08:59:00.000-07:00

In my 28th year I often find that I can't remember what I had for lunch a few days ago, yet September 11, 2001 is fresh and clear in my mind.

It started out like any other day. Headed to Chabot for classes but I noticed this ominous feeling as I walked through the sparsely populated campus. As I passed the admissions office, I noticed people gathered around the little TV mounted on the corner of the wall. There, on the old skool, 20 inch wooden panel tube tv, I watched the horror unfold. A plane, a building, and flames. I still couldn't wrap my head around what had happened just yet. Classes were inevitably cancelled, so I headed to Antonio's house. After a nap, we went down to Lakeshore and the scene was eerie. Not a person in sight, not a shop door open. Somehow we found food and went back home.

That night, I didn't sleep at all. Since I lived near the airport, planes always loomed ahead. This time, the entire sky was black, even the crickets made no sound. Not a single plane flew by that entire night.

In the days after, all the details unfolded. That's when I started to comprehend the gravity of the situation. I remember one particular People magazine edition profiling the widows of 9/11. Pregnant widows, now suddenly single mothers. I couldn't hold back tears on that one.

A few months later for Thanksgiving, Soph, Aunt Kathy and I flew to Las Vegas. By now things had become shaken up and airport restrictions were just beginning to tighten like a noose. We got to the airport hours early, yet just before boarding, we were stopped. Tweezers. Things you would normally find indispensable for the sake of beauty were now seen as weapons of mass destruction.

Ten years have gone by. The children born to those killed on 9/11 are now 5th graders. I went from being a fresh-faced, hopeful 18 year old to a hardened 28 year old. Life is different. Gone are the days where things were carefree and nonchalant. I don't know if 9/11 had anything to do with it, but my views on life are not nearly as rosy and cheery as they seemed. Every move, every decision I make has to be calculated, meticulously analyzed, and thoroughly planned. Gone are the days of impulse and innocent randomness. Since 9/11 the economy took a nosedive and life for a lot of people just seemed to snowball from then on.

If 9/11 has taught me anything personally, it's to never take anything in life for granted. No one ever thought that airplanes plunging into two buildings would continue to cause tremors in peoples' lives ten years later. The debris that rained down still continues to cause chaos and pain. While it might be a naive sentiment, I really do hope that something like this will never occur again.

The Story

2011-09-10T08:24:00.001-07:00

Awhile ago I got an email from Shutterfly for an awesome deal on a photobook. I've been wanting to do one these since our hospital was giving away free promo book codes, but I never got around to it. This deal was too good to pass up, so on Thursday I spent a few hours gathering all of the kids' photos and putting their story together. It's gonna take awhile for the book to get here, so here's the book for view.

A WEEKEND!

2011-09-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. I actually enjoyed a WEEKEND this week. Thanks to my favorite coworker and dearest friend Lauren Jaramillo, I had Sunday off. Cecil surprised me by having Sunday and Monday off as well. Sunday we lounged around and did as little as possible, and drove out to Oakley to celebrate Jaya's 10th birthday at Chili's out there. George got to spend time with Sensi, Cecil's mom's dog, and he came home dirty but happy. This morning, we slept in again, and drove out to Frontage Road in Emeryville and walked the dog down the path by the water. While heading back towards the car, we took George to the beach. Needless to say he hated it. He didn't understand why the waves kept coming at him and he kept shaking the sand and water off. We then packed up and went in search of lunch and finally found a Greek place open. We had the best gyros and went comatose, but my sister and her gang stopped by. After hanging out with them, George got a thorough scrubbing and we proceeded to pass out, taking a long nearly 3 hour nap.
Unfortunately tomorrow, I've gotta go back to work. But I am forever grateful for the small respite of TWO days off in a row!!!

the kids love having two tall adults around to hoist them around!

one thing I'm thankful for is that George likes kids!

Sibling love

2011-09-01T11:05:00.001-07:00

Today's the 1st of September... My birthday month is officially over. I can't believe how fast this year has zipped by. George has been with us for three months now, and Theo is almost 11 months. These two brothers never cease to make me smile and make for great photographs. They seem to understand their mother is a photographer and occasionally stand still for me to capture some timeless photos.
Here's one from last night. Have you hugged your sibling lately?

A Decade Back

2011-08-29T09:48:00.001-07:00

2001. Ten years ago. Seems like yesterday, but 2001 was a lifetime ago.
I was a fresh-faced and much skinnier 18 year old taking my 2nd semester of classes at Chabot College. This was the year I sat in History class with Eileen, and had PoliSci with a bunch of baseball players sitting in the back. One of them was named Nate Schierholtz. I was driving a brand new silver Honda Civic LX that already had a 2nd bumper on it thanks to some lady that wasn't paying attention. Even though I was still living at home things were nice because I had a car.

Now? My 10th year high school reunion is coming up, and I've been out of college for 6 years. Car Car Binks is still here, faded with peeling paint everywhere, a few dings and scratches but is still sound mechanically. Eileen and I are still the best of friends despite being separated by coasts. I see Nate almost every time I turn on the TV and watch the Giants game. It's amazing how high school and college shape people. At 20 I became an aunt finally. At 22 I met a coach at the bowling alley that turned out to be the love of my life. At 24 I became an aunt again. At 26 I moved out of the house against all odds and I have been taking charge of my life since.

I don't think I turned out too badly. Juggling two or three part-time jobs while completing school full-time and finishing within 5 years was a big accomplishment for me and taught me a lot. I'm still working two jobs, 7 days a week, but I think it strengthened my work ethic. 6 years later Cecil and I are still together. We live pretty harmoniously- complete with a fish, hamster, and dog. The kids are in 2nd grade and preschool now. They're growing up way too fast for me, but they are turning out to be such fine people, complete with their own personalities to boot.

If anyone were to ask me if I envisioned my life being like this 10 years ago, I would say no. But am I happy? Absolutely. I have no regrets and hope the forthcoming years continue to enlighten me and build character.

Tee-dore

2011-08-25T22:13:00.000-07:00

Good 'ol Tee-dore. He's now 10 months old. People have started worrying that since George came to us, that Theo would get pushed aside. Nonsense. He may not have free reign roaming and pooping all over the house, but he still gets his individual attention. And of course, with a photographer mother, that means his own solo shoots. I went down to Urban Indigo during my lunch break the other day and found this nifty little mini shopping cart. Of course... new items always involve new ideas with the boys first...

My Jwaaaaage.

2011-08-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

Jwaaage. That's what I call 'ol George. Next Tuesday will be 3 months since he's come to us.
Since then a bit has changed. He responds to commands, he even started barking when people walk by the house (now that we have a new screen door), and he eats his food normally.
Last week, I finally got fed up with fussing over him not eating his food. It got to the point he stopped eating and I had to sit there and spoonfeed him the entire meal. So? On Monday I swallowed hard and implemented the "Put food down, 15 minutes goes, and take food up" rule. Well, George starved for a day and a half. It drove me ABSOLUTELY CRAZY that he wouldn't eat, but I knew that if I gave in, there would be no end in sight. He would just have to go hungry. On Wednesday evening, after a bit of hemming and hawing, George finally ate the food and licked the bowl clean. Maybe because his cousinbrother Ike was at our house and drank from his water bowl, he felt threatened. In any case, from that point on he hasn't missed a meal and his bowl is always licked clean. We had lowered his kibble portion on Tuesday so now finally today he is back to half a cup a day and he eats it just fine, in record time. I must say, I regret not implementing it sooner, but very I'm glad I did and I'm happy it worked. A definite learning lesson for mom!
George now knows how to "sit", "lay down" and "wait". He's VERY in tune with us and we've even walked him off leash on a few occasions and he listens beautifully, looking up every 5 minutes to seek our approval. He no longer chases after a dog across the way when he sees them. I call his name and he usually sits and waits until I say "Okay, GO!" before he pounces on his dog friend. He will also sit at a crosswalk, sometimes without me even having to say anything.
He's always been great playing at the dog park but now, he will even play with toys outside. In the beginning he will fetch the toy and bring it back, but he gets tired of that REALLY quick. He still won't play inside, but I'm sure our 2nd floor neighbors appreciate that!
So far those are all his milestones. George is a great dog and aside from the occasional skittish moment, he couldn't be any better.
And here are some recent snapshots of the little fleabag.
With the big little bro.

With dad.

With his beloved Aunt Ames and cousinbrother Ike.

Cousinbrothers.

28!

2011-08-18T09:15:00.001-07:00

I slid into my 28th year quite unsuspectingly and seamlessly, but my friends and family made it a real joyous occasion.
Starting off with Friday evening, Cecil and I had a nice dinner at Pasta Pomodoro and watched the Rise of the Planet of the Apes which turned out to be a great movie. From then on, my Facebook started (due to friends in the East coast) being bombarded with wonderful birthday messages from then on.
On Saturday I had to work. It was a relatively easy day since it was my favorite person Lauren on shift with me. Here's where the story of Boss Robot comes in...
The Saturday previous, we stopped into Boss Robot Hobby Shop to peruse the goodies. I spotted a big 10 inch Boss Robot figure that wasn't on sale when I first saw it nearly 8 years ago in the display cabinet in the back. When I asked about it, the owner told me that it was on reserve for one of his best customers for $100. As a consolation prize, he sold me the mini 4 inch Boss Robot figure for $10. After much pining and hoping, I told the owner that the following Saturday was my 28th birthday, and he could either make it a great day or a bad day. He laughed and took my phone number down and pretty much sent me on my merry way.
So, Saturday August 13 comes. He sees us coming into the store and I could tell he's avoiding us. We decide to come back later and went to the pet store. Lo and behold, our beloved bird Hollywood was back! Apparently, the owners couldn't keep him and sold him back to the store. He instantly recognized us and demanded we scratch his head. After much cooing over Hollywood, we headed back to the hobby shop.
My birthday gift from Lauren. She's the best.

Hollywood!

I finally got a hold of the owner and he grunted and groaned. He told me I had exactly TWO minutes to come up with $100 in cash. I, for once, ignored the ATM fees and ran straight to the Wells Fargo ATM and got out the smackeroos. I came back in no more than one minute and slapped down 5 $20 bills in front of him. He had Boss Robot by its leg and was about to hand it to me when he took it back and told me the rules. 1) I was not allowed to sell Boss Robot, ever. 2) If for some reason I HAD to sell it, I was to sell it ONLY back to Boss Robot Hobby Shop.
I told the man that was never going to be a problem and that I would give him Boss Robot in my will someday. He FINALLY handed Boss Robot to me and I sniffed him and hugged him, in disbelief that he was all mine. His wife had to console him and hug him while he sat there pained, but I could not be happier.
Lauren documented Boss Robot's homecoming. SO HAPPY!!!

Boss Robot. Home at last.

After that, I got off work at around 2 and hung out at home with Cecil and dog before we went out to dinner at the Fat Lady by Jack London Square with our most beloved and generous friends, the Wong-Auletta party.
Even though my birthday officially ended that night at 11:59pm, celebrations continued onto Sunday. Plans for a day off fell through so I did wind up going to work, but only for about two hours. After snapping a million green beans, Cecil prepared a feast of grilled chicken breast, fresh green beans, quinoa, and corn bread. My sister, bro, the kids, and the cousin came over to dine and we had a great time hanging out with them.
My yellow ice cream birthday cake. lol

The birthday girl with a knife. Oy vey!

My famous Ames birthday cupcakes.

It seems for me that every year I get older, the better my birthdays get. I could not be more blessed.

Confessions of an Admin, part 2

2011-08-10T16:08:00.000-07:00

My 4th year of Admin Assisting is approaching. Since my last post, I have switched offices and entered a completely new environment. Things are on the up and up, but there are still some confessions to speak of:

1. If a form says "do not staple", PLEASE don't staple it.

2. I have a little white board that indicates whether I'm on my lunch or on my break, and half the time, people just don't observe it.

3. Common sense is certainly not common. Sometimes, your computer password simply doesn't work because your keyboard is on CAPSLOCK!

4. I absolutely abhor doing things last minute.

5. People never listen to their voicemails or bother to check for them when they have a missed call. Instead, they call our number back and say, "you called me?" Um, NO. There's 60 something employees here, I can't magically figure out who called.

6. Although we have a buzzer for the door, people never keep their keys on them. I can't always buzz them in if I have a million things to do at once and am not at the desk.

7. When the person you wanna speak to is not there, it shouldn't take you 55 seconds to think whether you want to leave that person a voicemail or not. And while you're thinking, there's other people trying to call.

8. Finds it absolutely rude when someone walks away and doesn't alert me that the copier is jammed or the scanner doesn't work. That's not fair to the next person who needs to use it.

9. Wonders why people still decide to ring the bell when they can see me through the window sitting AT the desk...

10. Although I'm tall and brawny, I have a weight limitation. I'm really not supposed to be lifting anything over 25 pounds, so don't assume just because I'm young, tall and sturdy, that I can automatically do your manual labor for you.

11. It's extremely annoying and unprofessional when you call and you don't remember the name of the person you're supposed to talk to, or pronounce their name correctly. This is ESPECIALLY a no-no if you're calling regarding a job interview.

12. DO NOT put me on hold when you're the one calling me. I have other people on the line calling and do not have all day to wait around hand and foot for you.

13. Sometimes, people just talk too much. I am not your best friend, I am not a therapist, and I certainly am not 411. I am merely here to just transfer your call. So just give me the name of the person you want to speak to or their extension and STOP YAPPING!

14. When the person you're looking for isn't there, just leave a voicemail. No, I'm not going to "tell them you called". I have things to do and I don't have time to chase down that employee and tell them you called.

15. If you're gonna break something and need help fixing something, don't question me. As long as I've fixed it, I don't have to explain anything to you as to how I've fixed it. Just don't freaking break it again.

16. Sometimes I wish people would use their brains and try to solve something for themselves. I absolutely hate it when people tell me, "You know everything, fix it." I refuse to live up to people's expectations and I always attempt to fix things myself first before I ask for help.

11...

2011-08-02T09:07:00.001-07:00

August is here.

In 11 days I will be 28. Two more years and I'll be 30. This year also marks the year of my 10 year high school reunion. It also tells me I've been in a relationship with Cecil for nearly 6 years.
As I change my calendars at home and at work, I often wonder what my 28th year will bring me. I'm ready for changes of all sorts. Perhaps a new career, marriage, children, or whatever life decides to bring me. I've come to accept the fact that I'm getting older, and yes my body is sometimes falling apart.
I had a nagging pain in my right arm for the last week and a half that I kind of tossed aside and ignored. However, yesterday it became too much to deal with so I reluctantly went to Kaiser to get it checked out. The results? I have tennis elbow in my forearm and tendonitis in my shoulder! What the heck?!? I was the ONE Asian kid in high school that sucked at math, COULD drive straight, and DIDN'T play tennis. So how did I get tennis elbow???
Enough head scratching. I'm wearing a brace across my forearm and taking anti-inflammatory meds for a week. All these signs tell me as I am getting older year by year, I need to be more conscious and take care of myself physically.
So? C'mon 28. I await you with full body armor. En garde!

The Epic Food Battle

2011-07-31T08:33:00.000-07:00

Ahh yes. This.
When we first got George, I put down a bowl of food on his first day and he proceeded to WOLF it down at top speed, shaking the whole time. I think having lived in a house with multiple dogs or perhaps from living in the streets, he felt he had to fight for his dinner. He's definitely not the kind of dog that looks forward to dinner. Since the beginning it has been an epic battle!
A few weeks after we got him, he would eat his food when I put it down, but he seemed like an ADHD child. Constantly looking around, taking a bite, then looking some more. It used to irritate me because I had to get ready for work and George would dilly dally in the kitchen. He would eat most of his food and leave a small portion, and here's where I made my mistake. I got irritated. Irritated his food cost so much and that he ate better than me. So, like my dad did to me, I insisted he eat every bite. Of course, George wasn't going to have it. So I began throwing treats in his food. BIG MISTAKE. One thing led to another and thus began the battle of me having to shove the food in his mouth because it bothered ME to no end that he wasn't eating.
After that, I found a better version of his food that was grain- free and switched him to that. He liked the food mixed up, but the eating war persisted. It got to the point where I had to add mexican cheese, parmesan cheese, and wet down the food.
Finally this week I got sick and tired of it. I swore that George would be eating his food PLAIN and that was that. If he did not eat it within 20 minutes, TOUGH.
Yesterday I started this campaign, and I left his food completely dry. Fail. He didn't even want to look at it. So what did I do? Shove it down his mouth. During dinner, I wet the food a little and with A LOT of petting, coaxing, and saying repetitiously "Good boy, eat your food!" I got him to eat his entire meal.
This morning, I put down his food and he stared at it while I did the dishes. I bent down and pet him, and told him to eat. I put some of the food in my hand and he ate off of it and proceeded to eat his whole bowl of food.
We have progress! I'm hoping eventually I can just drop his food dry and plain down and he'll eat it at the allotted times. Baby steps, but victorious ones!!!

And since we're on the subject of eating, here's a photo of George snarfing down the dingo bone his Aunt Ames gifted him as a welcome home present. He tore that thing down to shreds, plus he was so excited he couldn't keep his butt in his bed. Now if only he would treat his expensive, top of the line, grain-free food the same way... (by the way if you're wondering, he eats Blue Buffalo Wilderness small breed in chicken flavor.)

Month Two

2011-07-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

George has been with us for two months now. Since we haven't enrolled him in class yet, he's pretty much still the same dog, except he has hit a few milestones. He will run after and fetch a particular donut toy I bought him, and at the dog park, he will chase a tennis ball down the hill. He's much more open and engages in play with other dogs immediately. He also thinks it's funny to run away from me and hide in bushes and ignore me when I call, but I'm sure we can get that straightened out with some training. He relishes in the privilege of getting to sleep in our bed or lay on the couch with us. Overall he's still the great dog he was when we first got him. He's very well behaved for the most part, and he seems to whine less when we leave.
My hope for him is that he becomes less skittish and shy and that he learns commands on cue. He's slowly starting to open up so I hope he continues on the up and up!

Lugnutz

2011-07-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

Luckily George is kindhearted and doesn't mind his big brother claiming his head as Mt. Everest...

Relationship Mumbo Jumbo

2011-07-15T13:13:00.000-07:00

I don't think I can recall on the top of my head posting about relationships on my blog, but lately it has been a focal topic in my mind.
Cecil and I have been together for almost 6 years. We've been through a lot, but I personally feel the number of years do not match up to the level of maturity our relationship has developed into.
6 years seems like a lifetime. But when you think about it, we JUST moved in together a little over a year and a half ago, so in a sense, it felt like a new relationship all over again. We also just adopted a dog, so this is new territory in terms of sharing responsibilities and co-parenting so the fleabag will behave and doesn't think he runs the house (although I'm pretty sure George already thinks he does).
I do feel the pressure of marriage and children, but when I think about just the two of us, I think there's a lot of work to be done before we even cross that bridge. We are both hard-working people, and in the pursuit of survival and being financially responsible, some important aspects of our relationship went by the wayside. We individually also have a lot of maturing to do, so I've also learned to accept that although my biological clock is ticking, my mental clock is still snoozing.
Coupled with his career and the fact that couples in fire, police, and medical field have high divorce rates, I aim to defy those odds. In a nutshell, I think we have a good and compatible relationship. We know each other like the backs of our hands, and we live together harmoniously for the most part.
I only hope that we can continue to work together and communicate. Relationships are definitely hard work! 6 years is nothing compared to couples who have been together 50, 60 or even 70 years. In this day and age it's easy to cry uncle and throw in the towel to avoid the hassles and headaches of a relationship, but there's nothing worse than living in regret later on.
One mantra my boss taught me that I am starting to believe in: "As you think, so shall it be."

Satellites

2011-07-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

I've got amazingly good cable reception since we adopted George. LOL.

Dog/Kid

2011-06-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

It can be a true statement to say that a lot of people treat their dogs like their children. In my case, I don't know where George stands. George is a year old but I forget that that's still puppy age. He does things that irk me and I don't have a very long patience span with him. Since he's not a 30 pound kid or a bumbling teenager, it's easy for me to grab him, lift him, and take him to the destination I want him to go (for example, when I direct him to his bed and he instead detours to the couch or to our bedroom and tries to jump on the bed). I am admittedly rough with him sometimes, and it makes me wonder if I'll be that way with my human children.
It's easy for me to say "no" now, because I don't have any children. I feel like I'm more intuitive with babies. With a dog, there's a long laundry list of causes and effects when the dog decides to bark, whine, pee in the house, etc. It's hard to pinpoint the cause and alleviate the discomfort. With a baby, there are more compact and direct options: wet diaper, sleepy, hungry, etc...
I'd like to think I'll be a good parent, but I'm starting to see very clearly that parenting is not easy for anyone, whether they have one child or multiple children. I often wonder if I am even ready for children, citing how impatient I am with George sometimes. If I had it my way, I'd work from home so I could spend time with George. He's happy being by himself as long as he knows or sees that I'm somewhere near. Unfortunately for all of us to survive and live where we live, that's just not possible.
I also forget that he's a rescue dog. He has a past that I know nothing about. Babies are a clean slate. Sometimes, I wonder when we're lounging on the couch, I see George sitting in the corner shaking for absolutely no reason, why and if something has triggered his reaction. I don't know if he was abused in the past, or if he really did spend his whole life in the streets up to the point where the Rescue took him to the farm. I also wonder sometimes what led the shelter to decide that he should be on the euthanasia list. If the Rescue hadn't picked him up, George would be a pile of ashes right now, and nobody would have known about his existence, just like that. Even though George is home with us, I wonder what goes on in his mind, if he's happy.
I do feel bad when I raise my voice at him. He's a really good dog and always looks up at me every 5 minutes while we're out walking as if to say, "Am I doing good?" Through it all he's very loving and forgiving. Even after I've been mad at him for chewing up his crate blanket or tinkling on the carpet, he runs up to me and finds my hand, sticks his nose into it and tries to make me pet him.
Having a dog has definitely been a new frontier in patience and sacrifice. I am considering beginning training with George, hoping it will teach him to focus and not be so skittish and worried about things all the time. Besides, it'll be nice to have him do something else besides "sit". Sometimes, I think he just automatically sits so I won't ask him to!

My Boys

2011-06-18T00:51:00.000-07:00

My little gentlemen, friends forever.

One Month

2011-06-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

George has been with us nearly a month now. Sometimes it still astonishes me when people ask me how long we've had George. It feels like he's been in our household forever. In the last three weeks he has adapted well to life at Caldecott Lane. He still has no idea what to do about his hamster brother Theo, but he tolerates him quite well. He's eating regularly, lets me brush his teeth, and lets me furminate him wholeheartedly. He has more friends than we do at the complex, and he's generally happy as a clam. We're looking to work with him on manners and tricks eventually. Sometimes he does not listen and acts skittish. He still has a habit of bolting out the door as soon as it opens, but the baby gate does a great job of corralling him. After all we went through with dog adoption, it's amazing how low key and perfect George is for our family. Yesterday, I asked Cecil, do you think George is a better dog than Doe? He replied, George is a better fit for what we were looking for.
George turned out to be everything we wanted and more. He loves attention but is content snoozing by himself. He plays beautifully with other dogs and is friendly to all humans. He does not bark or bite and as soon as he sees you or hears his name called, his tail wags a mile a minute. I thought having a dog would be a little bit more life-changing, but the only thing that's changed about our lives is that we get up a little earlier to walk him and we feed him twice a day. I can't complain about anything at all!
So, in conclusion, I felt like the adoption process- even with all its emotional anguish and hurdles- was completely worth it. A lot of my friends will stop here and exclaim, "I TOLD YOU SO!" And yes, you all were absolutely correct.

Our Family

2011-06-07T22:29:00.001-07:00

We are a family of four. Unconventional, yet complete and perfect. Here's a quick rundown:

The parents:

The kids:

Not much explaining needed! I LOVE it!

1

2011-06-03T21:17:00.001-07:00

George is officially a year old. He's such a little puppy but he acts like a little old man. He's almost been here two weeks now, and he's been improving leaps and bounds. He's eating regularly, goes to the bathroom regularly, and is happy as a clam. He has now identified Cecil and I as his people, and the minute we are out of his sight he starts to whimper. All in all he is a super great dog and we can't be happier with him. Every time we say his name his tail starts thumping a mile a minute and he anticipates us petting and scratching him. He has friends at Parkwoods and he plays wonderfully with the dogs at the dog park. I cannot wait for the adventures we will have when the weather gets better. Here's to you, George!

Day Five

2011-05-28T15:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I look at George I tend to forget that he's only been here for five days. However, it astounds me when I think about all the progress he's made in such a short time.
George started eating yesterday morning. All we did was add a spoonful of warm water to the original food we bought and he eats it just fine. We are still working on getting him to potty and poop outside, but he's incredible in that aspect. No accidents in the house since we've learned to clip his leash on at his crate so he can go straight outside. Wednesday and Thursday were devoted to cleaning up major pee messes he made, but that wasn't necessarily his fault. Dog ownership is more about how effective or ineffective an owner is. I'm starting to learn that dog training isn't for the dog, it's for US!
George went to the vet today. He is now 14.2 pounds and has a clean bill of health. It still boggles my mind how he gained a pound since he hasn't eaten much, but he's healthy and happy, save for a minor overbite and bow legs. We went to Petsmart in Albany to attend a new dog orientation and he did great. He learned how to sit and he now takes treats out of people's hands. When he first got here, he would only eat what was thrown on the floor.
George is a wonderful dog. He's friendly to humans and dogs alike although he's snippy at first if too many dogs come up to him at once. I love his personality and how laid back he is, but he's SO happy when he sees you and sees your hand coming to pet him. Lately we're trying to get him used to the furminator since he's Sir Sheds O' Lot. He is NOT a fan of that thing!
We're so grateful for George. He's the best dog I could ask for, and he is perfect for our house. When I think back to our dog journey, all the emotional roller coasters we have gone through make it worth it every time George sticks his cold wet nose in my face demanding to be petted.

Meh.

2011-05-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

Our little seal pup. LOL.

Well, today is day 3 of George's homecoming. Yesterday, he met up with our neighbor on the first floor and his beautiful 2 year old English Golden Retriever. I think his name was Vassilio? Anyway, the retriever was boisterous and exceptionally bouncy and friendly. George bared his teeth at him at first, but as soon as we let him off his leash, he took off with the retriever. They played and played and played, George even gave chase to Cecil and I. Then, out of nowhere, George decided he needed to take a dump. Even though the retriever was bugging him, George did his thing and ran back to us. In that aspect, George has made major improvements. He walks perfectly well and will go through doors, elevators, and stairs just fine. On the other hand, his appetite has decreased drastically. He hasn't eaten since yesterday but he seems fine. This morning he tinkled a little bit on the carpet as I was rushing to take him outside, which I think was my mistake. I may have rushed him and spooked him so he didn't feel confident enough to go outside this morning. As soon as I came home I plopped into bed and George surprisingly followed me, jumped on the bed, and made his space right next to me. We slept for an hour before I had to go to work. I put him in his crate and turned on the TV. George is watching Animal Planet as of late. Today is the first day he's being left alone at home, I just hope he'll be alright!
As for the food issue, I figured to try buying a small bag of his old food and mixing it in. Should've thought of that sooner, but we'll see how it goes!
All in all, George is doing great for what he's going through. He turned from a quivering ball of fur to a more confident and outgoing dog, even our neighbor saw it and said so. It IS quite an adjustment going from a sprawling 5 acre farm to a 700 square foot condo three flights up, so the only thing I can do is keep the routine up! Ahh, parenthood.

Rut-Roh!

2011-05-25T16:07:00.000-07:00

George has been home for 48 hours now. He's slowly beginning to perk up and show trust in us. This morning I automatically woke up at 6am since Cecil had to work at 7:30 this morning. While I was knocked out and comatose, he had gotten up in the middle of the night with a severe migraine and had called out sick. Since I was already up, I decided to let George out of the crate. He wagged his tail fiercely and was all the more happy to be out. He paced the house back and forth and climbed up to see us in bed a few times, but he would not jump up no matter how much we patted the bed and encouraged him. After a few minutes, I thought it would be wise to open the patio door for him to have some fresh air when I suddenly heard this faint whimper. I got up and before I could get 3 steps further, there was a bright yellow puddle of pee on the carpet in front of the bathroom. Next to the puddle of pee was a seriously sad and guilty looking George. Poor fellow. He had his head down so low and his tail between his legs, I stood there with a look of confusion. Can't punish him, but can't praise him for what he did either! I cleaned up the puddle and took him outside. We hadn't even gotten farther than 10 steps when he had to poop. We praised him for going outside and the rest of the walk was a success. No matter how many animals I've been around, having a dog of my own is a new experience for me. George has already taught me that the next time I open that crate door, we are going STRAIGHT outside! Oh, and we're also investing in a Bissell Little Green spot cleaning machine. Live n' learn!

George.

2011-05-24T00:10:00.000-07:00

He is finally home now. So far all he does is sleep, and he is not very interactive. He's also not too big on walking outside but he will go when asked. Otherwise he's a great and quiet dog, just observing all around him. He did wolf down his food like nobody's business and he gets startled easily by loud noises, but I think it will dissipate with time. Here's his first portrait:

Eleven

2011-05-20T09:37:00.001-07:00

Today is my sister and brother-in-law's 11th wedding anniversary. I feel weird saying brother-in-law because I've known the guy since I was 10 years old. To me, he's always been just plain brother. When he started dating my sister, I was just a little brat kid, but he never failed to make feel like an adult. He was encouraging, a good listener, and was keen on understanding how I felt. My sister practically raised me, so our relationship for the first half of my life was a motherly one. You can say they both practiced on me before they had the kids.
When they got married, I was super happy but also devastated because my sister had lived at home her whole life. I was used to her always being there. The day after the wedding, I walked into my sister's room prepared to ask her a question and was met with emptiness. I sat there in the middle of her bedroom floor and cried. I missed her dearly. But gradually, the idea that they FINALLY got married after years of me bugging them sat well with me, and it lessened the loneliness. Plus, I had TWO bedrooms now.
Nevertheless when they bought a house together I became a fixture there. They fed me home cooked meals, my sister would always offer to pack me a lunch (and still does), and let me do my laundry there since my parents still used the medieval hang dry system at the house. It was great being the center of attention. Then on a sunny summer day in June 2003, I got a call from my sister while I was stuck in traffic on the freeway. I remember this vividly, I was stuck on 880 south between the High Street and Hegenberger exits. My phone rang and it was my sister. Her words to me were, "Guess what? We're having a baby." I screamed so loud people in the cars around me stared at me since my window was open. I was the happiest person alive. I knew how much my sister had sacrificed when I was born. She missed out on a lot of her teen years simply because my parents needed her to take care of me while they worked their asses off. I knew as soon as this baby came, it would be my way of giving back for all that my sister did for me.
March 29, 2004 came soon enough, and my world changed forever. I was no longer the center of attention for my sister and brother, but the three of us collectively now had someone new to focus on. To my surprise my sister consulted on me and took my feedback when it came to child rearing. They trusted me wholeheartedly two months later when I babysat Alexa for the very first time. To be honest, I was completely terrified, but all she did was stare at me or sleep. Since then, Alexa and her brother continue to be the center of my world. Even though I work 7 days a week now, I make sure that when my sister and brother need to go out, I'm there to be with the kids.
In these last eleven years, my sister and brother have taught me what it means to be in a devoted and cooperative relationship. They may have had their disagreements but they were always one unit, especially when it came to the children. They taught me what it is like to compromise and how to be selfless for the children.
A lot of people know the difficulties Cecil and I have had in our relationship. When we became serious the first people I consulted were my sister and brother. It was important to me that our union met their approval since they were so important in my life. Yes, there is that looming cloud of what is to come between my mother and I, but I am learning that regardless who I am with, I have a strong foundation and guideline as to how a successful relationship works. All because I have my sister and brother in my life.
Congratulations to 11 years, thank you always for the two greatest midges in my life.

Woof.

2011-05-17T21:02:00.000-07:00

I've been given some time since I posted that scathing dog rant a week or so ago. Since then, a lot has happened.
We drove up to Vacaville to see Almond on Thursday. He was a dog I found on petfinder awhile back. Initially I only glanced at him but one of his photos showed him doe eyed and super cute looking. Cecil didn't really give it much thought because he thought we'd agree to look at dogs again only AFTER our trip to Reno. I, however, can't help myself. I comb petfinder whenever I can. So I found Almond. He was a sweet boy who was set to be euthanized because he was too timid for shelter life.
When we saw him last Thursday we were delighted. He was very cute, quiet and nonchalant. He came when called, but he wasn't all up in our faces expecting attention. We gave it to him anyway because we were so drawn to him. Where Almond lives in Vacaville is rural. Even though it is only 58 miles away, it was like driving into a whole other world. I was smitten with the gigantic bales of hay, the goats, clydesdales and the grunting pig around the property.
Nevertheless the first visit with Almond went quite well. We went home discussing names and planning things. Tomorrow will be the home visit. When I got home from work today the crate had come in the mail and I assembled it. I put out all the toys, and I brought out the food bowl, last used by Buddy. It felt good to anticipate having a dog in the house again. I am planning to take a month off the 'ol weekend job to devote time to Almond, who we will be renaming George. He needs some training walking with a leash since he's been out on the streets most of his life. Plus it'll be nice to teach him some tricks and manners. It'll also be a break from working 7 days a week for me, and give me time to relax and bond with the little guy. I hope all goes well and that our dog journey comes to a peaceful and good end.

Kiddies

2011-05-06T23:32:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday I met baby Travis, the son of my dear college friends Austin and Alice. He's nearly three weeks old and the sweetest, cutest little guy ever.

Wednesday also marked the 4th birthdays of Anthony and Xochitl. They've grown up to be the best kids ever and bring such joy to their respective families. Here's a look back at them in the beginning...
Anthony James Garcia

Xochitl Luisa Rodriguez

Adoption schmoption.

2011-05-05T17:57:00.000-07:00

Doe's foster mom officially reports that she has been officially adopted. Is the news bittersweet to me anymore? Not really. In fact, I'm happy for her. Great dogs like her need to go to good homes, I just hope that Doe's new family loves her as much as I did.
In the aftermath, what really hurt me wasn't the fact that we didn't get Doe, but for the REASON why we didn't get her. I'm 27 soon to be 28 and Cecil is 25 soon to be 26. We are by some standards a "young" couple. We have goals in life, and one of them is to be married and have children. Yes, having children is life-changing, but so is adopting a dog. We're responsible for this entity and must put in the time and effort in order to yield the results we desire. We want a dog that turns out to have impeccable manners, wonderful social skills, and a bounty of affection.
Being told that the fact that we wanted kids and a house someday meant that Doe would've been uprooted really hurt me. I'm not an idiot. I wasn't born yesterday. I've been around animals my whole life and I know what kind of effort it takes to keep them healthy and happy. That whole reason for being rejected set me back a few notches and forced me to examine myself and my intentions.
I want a dog because I wasn't able to have one throughout my childhood. Whether it was by design or biology, my mother is intensely allergic to flora and fauna. When I came of age, I told myself that I would have my own dog someday and benefit from all the mistakes my pet owner friends made.
I have a college degree, I work 2 jobs, and I support myself. I don't smoke, I don't drink, and I don't party at all hours of the evening. Why am I being labeled an irresponsible adult?
Now that Doe has been adopted, her former foster mother will have a new dog. I love her foster mother. She's one of the wisest, diplomatic people I've ever met. I want to adopt an animal from her so I can continue our friendship and prove to the foster agency that I can handle it. But now, my confidence is shaken. Doe was an extremely docile, sweet dog. If we were rejected for a nice, quiet dog, what are the chances we will get ANY dog from this agency? The rejection hurt me deeply. It made me feel like shit, that all the hard work I put into being a good responsible person wasn't even worth me being able to have a nice, sweet dog. I still get glinty-eyed thinking about it.
I'm not trying to say the agency was full of bad people at all. In fact, they're selfless and wonderful and they really look out for their dogs' interests and well-being. But for me, I feel profiled. I'm not old enough by 30 years to be responsible and privileged to own a dog from them.
And then there's my unwillingness to give up. I believe everyone deserves a second chance and I believe this agency does too. Nobody told me this dog adoption process was going to be so painful, emotional, and gut-wrenching. But this is life and I don't give up. I guess we will have to see what the future holds for us.

Calling

2011-05-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

Today I took the day off to relax and attend a behind the scenes tour at the Oakland Animal Shelter. I applied for the Animal Control Officer position and felt like it would be a good, informative experience to attend the tour to know more about the job. What I saw at the shelter changed my life.
I've always been a lover of animals. Every kind you can think of, I love them. We saw cages and cages of adoptable animals, even rabbits and a rooster. While we were touring, I found out that part of the job involves euthanizing animals. As we turned the corner from the euthanasia room, a recently euthanized German shepherd was lying on a cart waiting to be taken away. I thought I would feel sad or lose my composure but I didn't. In my mind, I couldn't be sad for that dog. He was old and tired, and he needed to rest. I see this job as a way to protect the animals, and I feel like I have found my calling in life. I would like to work with animals, from the law enforcement perspective. Jobs like these are really hard to find and we were told it could take up to 3 years before they call us back. However, this tour gave me a clearer personal understanding of what I wanted to do. Just gotta keep trying.

Paw-ssibly...

2011-04-29T22:37:00.000-07:00

We've put the dog search on somewhat of a hiatus for the moment. Cecil tells me we should wait til after we come back from vacation at the end of May to resume our search, but each day I sit idly by my computer, I can't help but start to comb petfinder. There have been some dogs I'm somewhat interested in, but there haven't been any quick actions on either our part or the adoption agency. I'm starting to get over the sting, pain, rejection of the past month's adoption struggles and I am able to cast all that aside and start anew. So... Hopefully there will be developments soon.

Wanted: Dog

2011-04-18T16:33:00.000-07:00

So, after a month of all this up and down stuff, I've been able to compile a list of characteristics a suitable dog should have:

1) House trained
2) Gets along with other dogs
3) Generally non- barky
4) Calm overall
5) Have a stripe on its head (not required, but desirable)
6) Loves people
7) Not too sheddy
8) Over the age of 1 year
9) Cuddler
10) Small to medium sized

Why do all these things point back to Doe? AAAAAARGH! @$%!$&$!%!!!! BUT... I hold out some hope that there is another dog besides Doe on this green earth who fits all these criteria and is waiting to come home.

The Aftermath

2011-04-17T18:40:00.001-07:00

Buddy went home on Friday. I have been able to think positively and am relieved he has been reunited with his foster brother. I am uncertain right now where the dog search is going. Some days I feel like I don't want to try anymore, and other days I jump right back onto Petfinder.com and start looking.
Then there's Doe. Little sweet Doe. Why did it seem like I was perfect for her and then I got rejected as a candidate? Every time I plug in my search criteria on Petfinder.com, Doe's profile always pops up. My heart twinges every time I search. I try to scroll past her profile but the hard feelings come flooding back. She's leaving this week for a sleepover, and this is slated to be her final one. In one sense I feel like it's not fair, but in another sense, it feels like she just wasn't in the cards to be with us. The what if's constantly ring in my ears and linger in my mind despite my efforts to move on.
Doe's foster mom counseled me in the most diplomatic way the other day, and I was in awe of this sudden perspective: "I don't know whether I believe in fate. It feels like sometimes something that seems so right only leads to heartbreak. But then there are the times that the most wonderful thing that happens, only came to be because of something in your life that felt devastating at the time."
I've heard of sweethearts who have been separated by the sands of time and the twists of fate only to be reunited decades later. I've heard of people waiting for years for things to happen for them. In my ideal world, Doe ends up with us. The fact is, things have happened for a reason. I'm just trying to pick up all the shattered pieces and figure it all out.

Buddy

2011-04-14T11:34:00.000-07:00

If anyone is looking for an intelligent, spunky and playful jack russell terrier mix that's just over a year old, please let me know. Buddy does best in a family with young children or another dog. He loves to go to the dog park and make new dog friends, go under your bed covers and snuggle, and sit in your lap. He kicks in his sleep and sometimes grunts, but will be happy sleeping all day long as long as you are next to him. He already knows how to sit and is 90 percent potty trained. He loves to play tug-o-war with a rope or play fetch with a ball or squeaky toy. Buddy is a VERY happy and loyal dog. I just wish I could've kept him but now that I know what he needs, I hope he finds the right family and basks in eternal happiness.

Friday

2011-04-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

I have yet to call Buddy's foster dad and tell him we won't be keeping him. We plan to take him back on Friday, but after yesterday's romp at the dog park, Buddy seemed to calm down. Sometimes I feel like he is manageable while other times he is a handful. I know the right thing to do is to give him back, but if I just find a training class that's after 6pm, we can manage. How do I know that once I give him back, I won't be filled with guilt and regret it? But if Buddy continues to act out, I will regret that also. Decisions like these are horrible and nobody should ever have to make them. At this point, I don't even think we are in a position to look for any more dogs. Buddy is going back, Doe is most likely gone forever, I just don't have the strength to try again anymore...

A Week of Dog

2011-04-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

Since Friday, Buddy has been getting adjusted to our home. Or so we thought. Every day we discover a different nuance about him that we didn't see before. After 4 days, we've come to the conclusion that Buddy is a wonderfully hilarious dog with extreme smarts. He's great with people and other dogs and he's very affectionate. Unfortunately while recognizing the goods, we also recognized that Buddy needs lots of training, and his neediness is not nearly what we can satisfy. I love Buddy for his zest and affection. But I also love Buddy enough to know that he needs a family with another dog or lots of children to run around with him and play with him all the time. Each time I leave for work and lock the door, I hear two scratches and 3 whimpers and my heart falls to my shoes. As much as I want to quit my jobs and stay home with him, I can't.
I feel like I failed him, that I didn't try hard enough. I feel like a quitter. I want the best for everyone in our house. I adopted him with the intentions that this would be Buddy's forever home. I imagined getting Buddy trained and taking him on walks, jogs, and hikes all over the Bay Area. I imagined him running around with our future little children, wondering what he would be like as he grew up and old with us- I never imagined I would ever have to give him back after a week. I just hope that Buddy knows how much we love him and that his future is filled with lots of activity and joy.

The Journey

2011-04-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

Our dog adoption saga has been a four week journey but I believe after this week it will come to a close. It all started with Doe, a little sweet terrier mix. Cecil and I looked at her and I loved her immediately. However, before us came another couple who were going to give her a try. Weeks dragged by slowly and I started to lose it. I was devastated and began to give up hope. By chance during this agonizing wait I happened upon Buddy, a jack russell terrier mix at a mobile adoption. He was always on the back of my mind but I was convinced that Doe was the right dog for us and I wanted her BAD. After the third week of no news for Doe, I began to force myself to look for another dog. On Thursday I had looked at another puppy in Davis named Cappie. However, as soon as I joyfully completed the adoption application, I learned she had already been adopted. Heartbroken and emotionally drained, I was convinced I was done looking. I didn't want any more heartaches and I was through.
Then there was Buddy. He deserved a chance. On Friday we picked him up thinking we were going to just take him for a walk. A walk became an overnight stay, and an overnight stay became a week's trial adoption stay. He's sitting near me now and I cannot remember the last time I laughed this much. He is playful and joyful but equally sweet and cuddly.
Today, we learned that we would not be considered a candidate for Doe after all. She had been returned a second time and the adoption agency wanted a permanent home with no sudden changes, children, other cats, or moves. Normally I would be crushed and utterly devastated at this news, but Buddy was there and looked up at me with his big brown eyes and convinced me that everything I needed was right in front of me.
Throughout this whole search, everyone convinced me the right dog would come to me. After each heartbreak I took this canned phrase with cynicism and sarcasm. Now, I realized that it was all true.
Here he is. Mr. Buddy Gordon. Life is good.

Buddy

2011-04-01T14:27:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 4 years since the original Buddy died. Since I got off work early last Saturday I went over to Pet Food Express in Rockridge to check out the new dogs. There's a jack russell terrier mix named Buddy there who has caught our eye.

He's an awesome spunky dog. Sometimes hearing his name reminds me of the original big butted, bushy maned old crankster that I still miss so much...

70

2011-03-31T09:18:00.001-07:00

Yesterday my dear ol Dad turned 70. YES! 70!!! Despite his age, I think he has gotten more active, more athletic, and more youthful. I am happy to see the same dad who played with me outside, taught me how to swim, rode bikes with me, and took me to the park everyday is the same man actively doing the same things for his grandchildren. My dad may not have had the iron fist growing up, but as I got older I began to understand just how much he loved us girls.
Here's a flashback of just the two of us. I must've been 2 or 3.

7

2011-03-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

After waiting 9 long overdue days and nearly 24 hours after that, Alexa finally made her appearance on this very day 7 years ago. If only she knew how much she changed my life, and how much she made me appreciate the small and simple things. I am so grateful for her and her little midge of a brother. They are my world, they are my life. Happy 7th Birthday, Hamfin. I hope you know how much Googoo loves you two.
Here are her official portraits to commemorate her 7th birthday:

Dog on the Brain

2011-03-22T14:03:00.001-07:00

We've been in the process of adopting a dog. We have our eye on this cute 1 year old named Doe. She's with another family for a trial period now, I just hope and pray she doesn't like cats and wants to live in Oakland instead of Santa Clara. For now, we wait...

Update: Doe has gone to the other family for her sleepover as of Wednesday. She is reported to be nervous around the cats, ignores them and stays by mom's side.

Update #2: Doe is having a hard time adjusting to the other dog in the adoptive home. Looks like she is meant to be an only dog.

Update #3: Got a call back from the foster agency and they say they are not sure Doe is a good fit for the other home. We will know on Sunday the final word. Keep your fingers crossed...

Update #4: The other family still wants an extra week to see if Doe will play with her other dogs inside the home and out. We will know by the end of this week. Sigh.

Final Update: We received a call from the foster agency and they have told us we are not candidates for Doe's adoption. She has been returned twice and to avoid unnecessary trauma they have decided she belongs in a home with someone more elderly that lives a quiet lifestyle void of children and other pets. I am crushed because I felt like she was perfect for our low key home but hope for the best for her.

Potato

2011-03-21T11:21:00.001-07:00

Been stuck with clogged sinuses and major congestion, so Theo has been my couch buddy. Although, he hogs up most of it with his little fat self.

Almighty Questions

2011-03-13T00:36:00.001-08:00

Some things on my mind as of late:

1) How is it that someone on welfare can deliver in a top rate private hospital while I work two jobs and cannot afford to deliver there one day?
2) Why people feel the need to take kindness as a form of fakeness?
3) How is a disease ever completely eradicated? (smallpox is the only one as of late)
4) Will California ever experience anything greater than an 8.9 earthquake?
5) Why are gas prices so high?
6) Why do people feel the need to bring multiple children into this world only to have them taken away due to drug use or instability?
7) When do you intervene when you see someone clearly ruining their life? Or do you at all?
8) Does anyone find marriage to be of any importance anymore?
9) When did the terms "Baby Daddy" and "Baby Momma" suddenly come into regular usage?
10) Why raise such a stink about same sex marriage?

Theo-rific

2011-03-09T15:37:00.000-08:00

Theo is at it again. Modeling the Dombo cup by Richard Hutton and just giving off a winning smile.

Games

2011-03-04T11:36:00.000-08:00

Today I learned some important lessons in life. I am a guilty party too when I say some people can be immature. In order to live a joyous life, one must not feed the crazy monkey in our minds. The best quote today I came across was, believe it or not, from a recent movie. In Tron Legacy, Kevin tells his son, "The only way to win a game is not to play." Game Over.

Quoddy!

2011-02-24T21:40:00.001-08:00

My beautiful Quoddys have FINALLY arrived!

Theodore Gordon, old skool status

2011-02-19T10:39:00.000-08:00

I guess if someone had a hamster in the 1900's, this is what they would look like. HAHAHA...

Hearts

2011-02-14T09:11:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day. While I am elated to have a loving soulmate and best friend by my side, I have also lost a friend. I had opened my heart and my home to someone, and they completely betrayed my trust by throwing everything back into my face. Rather than use their own judgment, they chose to believe the convoluted lies fed into their warped brains. Part of me tells me I should not give up on this person, but when someone is too far gone, there's no point in getting sucked into their negative energy. The Christian in me tells me to love them and pray for them, but it still hurts. Turning from this experience has also taught me to cherish my true friends even more, for they are the ones who truly know me. I just find it sad that in order to feel needed and loved in a general popular crowd, a person would forsake the one person who stood by them through thick and thin. Time will heal all wounds, but I continue to care for that person and pray that God will let them see the truth one day.

Tee-dore

2011-02-12T21:24:00.001-08:00

Theodore will be 4 months old in 4 hours. He's been such a joy and a ham. He has a fan base and is the muse of my photography studio. I often wish he would live forever, but since hamsters have such a short lifespan, I have to make sure that he lives a long and happy life as long as I have him. Nevertheless he never fails to entertain me with his antics and photogenic disposition. Here are some latest snaps of his jaunts.

Roaming on the couch.

Hanging in the bathroom.

With his favorite friend, Lauren.

Smaaaart!!!

2011-02-03T22:45:00.000-08:00

I finally did it. I pre-ordered the iPhone for Verizon. Aaagh! It's supposed to come in a week but I am filled with trepidation. I am moving into the 25th century!!!

Meanwhile, here's Theodore hanging out with his buddy Clancy.

Blah.

2011-02-01T00:08:00.000-08:00

let the ants come marching in
steadily and earnestly devouring all the blackness
let the voice exercise itself
from the pained being
up and down, all around
through the mountains and in the water
let the freedom come
peace be the seeker

MOCHA

2011-01-29T20:57:00.001-08:00

Chaperoned another one of Alexa's field trip this past Tuesday. This time the kids went to the MOCHA Children's Museum of Art. Pretty cool place!

Leaves

2011-01-25T08:28:00.001-08:00

Sigh. Where do I begin...
I'm pretty good at understanding what's right and wrong, except it seems that with my own life the lines are blurry.
I've been blessed with people in my life who create valuable life lessons for me. Unfortunately I've come to learn that we are our own worst sabotagers and enemies. I've got to stop making excuses justifying my actions actually get to the root of the problem. It's so much easier said than done, but it's really shitty when everyone else knows you can do it yet you're paralyzed by your own fears and doubts.
I don't know what I would do without my boyfriend and my benefactor. These two people have been nothing but be instrumental in shaping my life and I haven't really shown any gratitude through my actions.
Chances run out and shit gets old. I'd like not to end my second chances prematurely. Time to turn over a new leaf and cut the bullshit out completely.

Fun

2011-01-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

Grandma flew out from Arizona to stay out here for 3 weeks. This last week she spent with us has been awesome. I wish she would consider moving back here.

Hi!

2011-01-08T16:49:00.001-08:00

Amidst this winter flurry Theodore decided to pop up and make an appearance!

2011!!

2011-01-01T00:03:00.000-08:00

Theo sez: HAPPY NEW YEAR! MAY ALL THE GOODNESS START ROLLING IN!

2010...

2010-12-31T10:05:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of 2010. Overall it has been a good year. I moved out, we moved in, and through work I got moved closer to home. For 2011 I'm hoping for the same blessings as I had this year, except that I am praying for a new job. It's not much to ask, but it would change my life so much. Tomorrow begins the new year! We shall see...

New Foto

2010-12-26T17:55:00.001-08:00

This is IT! After torturing Theo for hours trying to get the perfect picture, here it is!

My Hamstar Photography muse and logo:

Happy Birthday Jebus!

2010-12-25T09:09:00.001-08:00

Christmas Eve was spent with the other side of the family. My other half, the Gordon/Tinsley/Downey/Anderson families:

Christmas Eeeeve...

2010-12-24T11:13:00.001-08:00

Got to open my presents a day early although I struggled to stay up for it.

Got my long awaited and cherished talking Woody doll. So awesome.

A professional Manfrotto tripod and joystick grip ball head. I LOVE my bunbun!

10...

2010-12-15T23:57:00.000-08:00

Ten more days until Christmas. The tree has sprouted a homemade star and is ballooning with presents at the bottom...

Someone wonders anxiously what he'll get from Santa...

O Christmas Tree...

2010-12-04T23:11:00.000-08:00

Went to CVS Pharmacy today to pick up some eye drops for my suspected pinkeye and wound up getting a tree. We are random! But the house smells lovely.

Fatty

2010-11-30T18:57:00.000-08:00

Please sir, may I have another?

Thanks Givin'

2010-11-25T14:23:00.001-08:00

Muse-ings

2010-11-19T18:35:00.000-08:00

Here's some recent snaps of Theo the Muse. LOVE him!
My two business card templates:

This year's holiday card:

And just 'cause!

38

2010-11-18T21:29:00.001-08:00

Happy birthday to the best sister in the world!

Jordan

2010-11-17T19:58:00.001-08:00

Finally met the not so little little guy last weekend and did a photoshoot of him. Congratulations to Jan and PJ! Such a little darling.

Studio!

2010-11-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

Finally assembled my portfolio on Facebook and labeled myself as Hamstar Photography. Check it out!
Hamstar Photography

The Most Interesting Hamster in the World

2010-11-04T16:10:00.000-07:00

Stay thirsty, my friends.

Boo!

2010-10-31T16:18:00.000-07:00

Theo sez: HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Theo, Muse Extraordinaire

2010-10-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

My fuzzy little muse strikes. Couldn't be more cuter than this.